"That's just what every man wants... to start his dinner with half a grapefruit."

The benefit of being ill and couch-ridden in your parents' cable-deprived house, is that you only have access to channels that you ordinarily would not deign to watch. While some may view this deprivation as a fate worse than ulcerative colitis, it is, in fact, a valuable opportunity to examine prior generations. I have learned many valuable lessons over the past three days, and I feel compelled to share them with you.

From "I Dream of Jeannie" I learned...



It is perfectly acceptable to paint your living room wall sherbet orange.

Even if you give him ulcers, he'll still want to keep you-- in a pink, bejewelled bottle, maybe, but he'll keep you nonetheless.

And the way to a man's heart is by serving him half a grapefruit for dinner.

From "Beverly Hillbillies" I learned...



If you're over the age of fourteen, you're "past your prime," and it's time to employ a little love-voodoo.

Rope belts are totally in vogue.

And from "Bewitched" I learned...



One should interview live-in maids, and ones named "Agatha" (or "Amelia" or something...) are the ones that are most likely to be trusted.

Also, your mother-in-law will always sabotage your hollandaise sauce. Even if you have magical powers.



What can I say? Maybe I should stay home more often...