Good doesn't always equal "good"

Today was the crappiest of all crappy days.

And I'm not even supposed to say the word "crappy." I view it as crass and jr. high-ish. Especially when it slips out in front of patients who are triple my age.

But it really was crappy. I cried almost the entire way home, which can't be good because:
a) bawling while driving 77 mph on the highway is hardly safe, and
b) It's a pretty long drive, and that much crying is sure to dehydrate my already feeble mucous membranes.

I just kept saying, over and over and over, "I will never stop doing good to them..." (Jeremiah 32:38-41 is this week's memory verse). But it took 55 miles of highway before I began to breathe normally again.

Today I...

recorded all of one patient's information into another patient's chart and had to spend half of my lunch break correcting my error.

I successfully gagged a patient while conducting an exam of their larynx. I went into this woman's mouth FIFTEEN TIMES and was unable to obtain a clear picture of her vocal cords. FIFTEEN TIMES. And it wasn't my first strobe. Oh, no. I had practiced. Rigorously. And I still failed.

I sat. On edge. Grinding my teeth through a two-hour patient session in which I couldn't help thinking, "Could these people get more abrasive, stupid, and illogical?" You have barely completed high school, and you're sitting in my office chair and telling me that doctors-- DOCTORS: aka "forever students"-- are stupid? Why are you incapable of giving me an accurate, organized medical history? Just answer my questions. Can you do that? Apparently not. And no, the drug DOESN'T just do what the ad on TV says it does. It helps with additional problems. You are not a freakin' pharmacist, stop medicating yourself. And for crying out loud, please stop railing everyone as a complete idiot when you can't even correctly pronounce your own diagnosis. And God help me, if you start developing some sort of superiority complex because, "No one can figure out what's wrong with me... Aren't I special?" I will hurt you.

My day in conclusion: blinded by a light, horizontal in a dentist's chair, I had to defend my "no dental insurance" policy to a man who clearly wanted to rip my gums to shreds at the happy tune of $1714.

I'm sick. Tired. Incompetent. Poor. The proud possessor of two "inoperable wisdom teeth." And I'm anemic. (Which is why I'm sipping orange juice. Supposedly it will speed the absorption of my multiple iron pills.)

This week I've been seeking to revel in God's grace. Sobbing my way down I-65, I repeated my "verse of the week" over and over...

"They will be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul." (Jeremiah 32:38-41)

God's definition of "good" and my definition of "good" are radically different.

My definition of good is flawless performance, beautifully executed exams, healthy teeth, and orange juice for pleasure, rather than medical necessity.

But God's definition of good is so much deeper. Richer. More complex.

In Jeremiah 32, prior to my "special" verses, the outlook is anything but pleasant. The people are depraved. Sacrificing their sons and daughters in violent rituals. Saturated evil. God has sent plague, sword, and famine while handing them over to their enemies. "They turned their backs to me and not their faces." Despite the face that the Lord had "performed miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt and [had] continued them to this day," the children of Israel had "done nothing but evil in my sight from their youth." They are obliterated by their enemies. Handed over for 70 years of torturous exile.

And yet God said, "I will never stop doing good to them." During those 70 years, God's goodness did not stop. Esther saved her people. The Jews integrated into the society. Developed homes. Freedom to worship. Eventually (after the promised 70 years) they received royal blessing and funds to rebuild their kingdom. Nehemiah and Daniel are stunning examples of the fact that God's punishment served to turn the people back to Him. God's definition of "good" is not what will make us happy, but rather what will make us holy.

If my debilitating health, impossible patients, repeated failures, and cantankerous teeth cause me to become more like Christ, to cling closer to my God, to remain broken and dependent on Him, then God has "never stop doing good" to me!

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (II Cor. 12:9)