What My Bookshelf Says

I, as a general rule, am a people pleaser.

I want everyone around me to be happy- even if that means something as large as compromising what I believe or something as small as changing my menu order. I believe that one of the only reasons I'm "on the right track" and "such a good girl" right now is because I have been surrounded by so many people who want me to be good. And since that makes them happy- I want to be good. I don't think my goodness can be attributed to any strength of character on my part. Unfortunately.

But lately, there has been a new dimension of my people-pleasing. It's a rather unfamiliar coloring of a very familiar action. I believe that the words "bitterness" and "angst" would be appropriate. Sure, I'll make you happy, but you should know that this isn't what I want to do, and I will get hard and bitter underneath a surface of smiling brightness. It's not a conscious thought- but it's the product of years of people-pleasing based in improper motives.

So, this summer I'm on a quest- a quest to "find myself." Don't gasp and clutch your chest (or moan at the cliche cheesiness of) my blatantly humanistic philosophy. Allow me to explain myself.

For years I've been what people want me to be. (I am quite sure that my parents will be the first to attest that I did not perform this impossible task flawlessly.) In the act of conforming to others, I failed to pursue what I was created for- to bring honor and glory to God as a unique being. This summer I am trying to rediscover that goal which I've buried under layers of "duty" and bitterness. I'm working on actively making decisions for one reason- the glory of God.

It's rather a big issue- tackling piles of acquired thoughts, actions, and mis-placed angst. (And I must confess that I admire aspects in other people that make me want to follow and please them- but being like them is not my ultimate goal...)

I'm starting small. Tonight I went to the library. Literature is highly subjective- different persons in my life have different preferences. Consequently I've read philosophy, the Pulitzers, cognitive neuroscience, and my Dickens. But tonight I left the library with a stack of books that were chosen by me.

I like massive biographies on political figures, early 20th century British writers, and a smattering of the 1930's witty, emerging female authors.

That's what's on my bookshelf this week...