In Need of Grace (and a work ethic...)

Lord,

I don't want to get up.

I have put off and back-burnered aspects of my life too long, and now I have to face the music.

I don't want to write reports. I don't want to clean. I don't want to re-write another slew of mid-semester evaluations.

I just want to stop. I want to stop trying. Stop working. Stop pressing. I want to just bask in the sun and smile contentedly at your goodness. (When I'm reincarnated (yes, I know that won't happen...)- can I come back as a cat?)

Lord, let the joy and peace I feel now suffuse itself into the need for a frantic work pace and unbending dedication to my work and my current "job" in this life.

Because I am not going to want to spontaneously wash those dishes on my own...

Amen.

Yucky Monday

I am a bad person.

I've stalled so long on writing my reports, that now I'm sitting in front of my computer with eight that need to be completed before the end of today.

**sigh**

And I still haven't organized my class notebooks, done my self-evaluation, or completed my CSCF paperwork. It might be a rather long day...

P.S. No one, I repeat NO ONE, in a real honest-to-God hospital writes two-page, single-spaced reports each time they see a patient. But we do in grad school!

Quote of the Week:

**upon Sir William Henry Harrison not accepting our "offering" of sorbet at his war memorial**

BUNNY: He didn't take them. I guess he wasn't hungry...

WORMY: He has to watch his weight. Being dead burns like NO calories.

Be careful what you wish for...

Tonight I had the wonderful delight of hanging with some of the "Cardigans." I had just bemoaned to Bunny, prior to this meeting, that I never saw or talked to persons of the opposite gender, and that I missed it. "It would be nice," I said, "to meet some guys."

This is a story of how God listens, and displays His sense of humor...

Bunny, Aims and I were sipping yummy Starbucks, talking about everything and nothing, when a rather battered, unbuttoned man approached me at our al fresco seating.

"Hey, thar. What's yer name?" he said, holding out his grimy hand to shake mine- his partially buttoned shirt flapping in the wind to reveal a portly, hairy tummy.

I leaned back (ever so slightly) and said politely (hoping to make it sound genuine- since it is a smidge true-so as not to hurt his feelings), "I am so sorry, but I'm a little bit of a germ-ophobe, if you don't mind." And I tucked my hands securely around my iced beverage.

"Oh, I know I stink a bit. I live on the streets, you know, but I just need someone to take me in, you know. Let me have a shower."

"Ummhmm." (I attempted detached politeness. After all, the poor man is homeless.)

"You know... You could take me home. I need a shower. I need a shower bad. And then we could have sex. There's always sex. We could do that, you know, and more- if you wanted."

This time my recoil was not at all subtle, "No." (I stated this very emphatically while Aims slowly pulled her mace out of her purse) "There are several places downtown where you can get a shower, if you would like."

He was persistent, "No, no, no. That won't do. I want to go to your place. I mean, we don't have to have sex. You know... if you don't want to but- you nev---"

I interrupted,

"Sir, I am not taking you home. Good night."

"You are a... " And he ambled away muttering inappropriate comments about my "bad manners" under his breath. (Comments that he proceeded to continue loudly muttering from almost a block away for the next forty-five minutes.)

He wasn't gone for two seconds, before a handsome D.J. exited Panera, and approached our table. "Hello, ladies! Hey, I have too many cookies- would you like to take several? I won't be able to eat them all."

Bunny chose a chocolate walnut. I was in too much shock from my sex solicitation to show a marked preference between chocolate walnut and chocolate chip. While they debated the values of each, I smiled in a rather glazed way.

Chocolate man turned away when another man approached the table: short, studious, with glasses and a very traditional polo.

"Excuse me, ladies, I couldn't help but notice that that other gentleman was giving you some trouble... Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

We assured him that we were fine.

"There are some other guys inside here, and I thought about telling them what was going on, but I decided to come out first and check. I guess if anything happened, I wanted all the glory..." I think I laughed so hard I snorted. He grinned amiably back,


"Well, I see he's still here- just down the sidewalk. I'll sit over here and read for a while- don't mind me, but if you need anything- please let me know." And he returned to his book of anime.

At the end of our sipping, he walked us to our cars.

I met men tonight: a homeless sex solicitor, a chocolate offering record-spinner, and a gentlemanly nerd who reads anime.

Now tell me that God doesn't have a sense of humor...

"Play first. You can make up the rules later. Quench you curiosities."

From now on, I'm going to receive my wisdom and daily mantra from my water bottle...

Adventures in a Walmart Parking Lot

Today, while frantically typing a last minute assignment, I had what can only be referred to as a "brain flash." You know those times when you've written out everything that you need to do? And then you set about doing them... you're reaching the end, when **BAM** you remember a HUGE thing that you almost forgot? Perhaps I'm the only one who does that...

Any way, I had a "brain flash" when I remembered that today was my day to bring snacks to class. (Yes, we have snacks in class. It helps ease the tedious boredom of 3 hours of Educational Law.) I quickly finalized my papers, packed up my books, and hit the road. Fortunately the West Lafayette Walmart is less than 10 minutes away.

I pull into the parking lot. Blissfully wrapped in a cocoon of testing requirements, snack possibilities, and 10th Avenue North blaring on the radio when I see, out of my peripheral vision, a fifty-ish year-old man, pushing a shopping cart with a child in it. Being responsible (yes I am- mark it down!) I slowed my speed when all of a sudden-

**WHOOSH!**

The man shoves the cart, complete with child, out into my path. I slam on the brakes. My heart skips a beat.

But that man's heart- it didn't even give a wee bit of palpitation. The cart continued to roll in traffic. And he just stood there. Watching the little girl narrowly miss moving cars. Two women stand watching the whole scene. Clearly their with the man, and obviously they're just as unfazed as he is- well, except that one woman yells huskily,

"Watcha doin'? You shovin' your granddaughter into the middle of the road? Why?"

He doesn't move. He doesn't respond.

"Well- why dontcha go get 'er?"

At this prompt, the man ambles out in front of me. Commandeers the errant cart (complete with the miraculously uninjured granddaughter), and returns to the two women.

It takes a while for me to let my foot off the brake. My mouth was slightly agape and I speed-dialed my mother to tell her how I almost hit another person.

Completing my errand seemed tame in comparison.

Somehow the excitement of buying popsicles had waned...

Today I forgot my "first five minutes"...

It's amazing how unbelievably unfocused, worried, and undirected I can become when I fail to acknowledge who the Ruler of my life is. A wonderful mentor once told me, "Courtney, just use the first five minutes- just the first five!- of your day to acknowledge your God, to realign your focus, to direct your day. Don't do anything else until you do this."

It's amazing what those five minutes can accomplish...

I took a bunch of pictures which I can't post due to the fact that the groom shouldn't see the dress until the day of, but I can say:

The lady at the bridal store couldn't stop laughing at me and Bunny. It was a happy evening...

What My Bookshelf Says

I, as a general rule, am a people pleaser.

I want everyone around me to be happy- even if that means something as large as compromising what I believe or something as small as changing my menu order. I believe that one of the only reasons I'm "on the right track" and "such a good girl" right now is because I have been surrounded by so many people who want me to be good. And since that makes them happy- I want to be good. I don't think my goodness can be attributed to any strength of character on my part. Unfortunately.

But lately, there has been a new dimension of my people-pleasing. It's a rather unfamiliar coloring of a very familiar action. I believe that the words "bitterness" and "angst" would be appropriate. Sure, I'll make you happy, but you should know that this isn't what I want to do, and I will get hard and bitter underneath a surface of smiling brightness. It's not a conscious thought- but it's the product of years of people-pleasing based in improper motives.

So, this summer I'm on a quest- a quest to "find myself." Don't gasp and clutch your chest (or moan at the cliche cheesiness of) my blatantly humanistic philosophy. Allow me to explain myself.

For years I've been what people want me to be. (I am quite sure that my parents will be the first to attest that I did not perform this impossible task flawlessly.) In the act of conforming to others, I failed to pursue what I was created for- to bring honor and glory to God as a unique being. This summer I am trying to rediscover that goal which I've buried under layers of "duty" and bitterness. I'm working on actively making decisions for one reason- the glory of God.

It's rather a big issue- tackling piles of acquired thoughts, actions, and mis-placed angst. (And I must confess that I admire aspects in other people that make me want to follow and please them- but being like them is not my ultimate goal...)

I'm starting small. Tonight I went to the library. Literature is highly subjective- different persons in my life have different preferences. Consequently I've read philosophy, the Pulitzers, cognitive neuroscience, and my Dickens. But tonight I left the library with a stack of books that were chosen by me.

I like massive biographies on political figures, early 20th century British writers, and a smattering of the 1930's witty, emerging female authors.

That's what's on my bookshelf this week...

Past Love, Promised Riches

My summer (actually all of 2009) has not been falling into place as I thought it should, and as I wanted it to.

Although God has been gracious enough to show me (in a small way) how He is using these unsettling events (loans, externship hunting, lack of funding, mind-numbing classes, overwhelming clinic) to help me grow, to mold me. I still spend some mornings, like this one, with my stomach in a bundle of knots as I try desperately to continue to breathe and focus on the blessings in my life.

God has provided in the past. And, as I was reminded this past Sunday- God not only gives us our past in order that we may write a biography some day, but also so that we can glean courage from the ways in which God has displayed his greatness and love to us personally.

He has always been there. He is wise. He is loving. He holds all the riches. And I need not worry...


And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.


Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

I was really ticked at Meijer because they stole my bag of Fuji apples. They didn't put them in my cart! I was...errrrgh! Livid.

And then I realized my apples were hiding in my trunk between rhythm instruments, beach towels and piles of stickers and construction paper...

New Favorite Song... :)

I Cor. 7:1-9

I got a little upset today. Upset because of the prevalent Christian idea (in my circle) that the only thing I should be looking for (and the only thing necessary for) a successful relationship is that the two people have a relationship with Christ and be growing. To a certain extent, that's true. I agree with Paul, "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." But this is not something that (at this time) I struggle with. I'm happy. I'm single. And I plan on remaining so until Jesus (or the right guy) comes. I love my life, I love the gift of singleness that God has given me.

What is so incredibly hard to believe about that?

Pffft. I hate it when I get grumpy and rant...

"You're not the exception. You're the rule." (He's Just Not That Into You- my favorite line...)

Although I would not recommend that anyone go out and purchase this movie, I will say that throughout (inbetween the painful relationship faux pas) little bits of pithy wisdom were spouted, and although the roots of great drama weren't there to support the little fluffs of profundity, it made for a very casually insightful evening of movie viewing...



"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

Epiphany of the week: My new favorite characteristic is MOXIE!

People with moxie....


Jung Lee- fabulous wedding designer. Knows exactly what she wants.


The fabulous Kelly Ripa...


Ooh-la-la, don't we all know it!

But of course not everyone with moxie is famous (just yet)... Several people who's very lack in inhibition inspires me directly-


The fearless, oh-so-delightfully bubbly Kate- someday I will accessorize and socialize as fearlessly as she...


And of course, my very uninhibited bro- hey, if it's in the family (aka "genetic"), maybe I'll develop moxie someday...
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mox·ie (mŏk'sē)
n. Slang
1. The ability to face difficulty with spirit and courage.
2. Aggressive energy; initiative
3. Skill; know-how.

Synonyms: fearlessness, gameness, heart, intrepidity

When I question God...

Recently, I have been struggling with the concept of God's sovereignty. My trust is thin, and my tolerance of difficulties even thinner. I would announce convincingly that I believe in, trust in, and rely on my heavenly Father. I would claim that I believe God is sovereign and in control.

But I would not live that way.

I blamed others for choices I made, for the miserableness of my life, for a failure to achieve all I wanted. While saying that I trusted God to be in control- gently guiding my life so as to shape me into His image, I refused to live that way.

Two friends of mine have recently taken it to the next step- they don't believe in God, or are reticent to give Him any amount of power. Either He doesn't exist, or He is a paltry, weak god.

At first crushed at this knowledge of their belief, I failed to see that when I question God, I do the same thing. He isn't in control- he's weak. He doesn't care- He is without compassion. My lack of trust, although not leading me to renounce my faith, causes me to doubt my God- to limit Him. I am ashamed.

"O Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your words are trustworthy..." (II Samuel 7:28)