The laminating lady. Psycho throw-yourself-in-front-of-my-car lady. I-watch-Ellen-on-my-lunch-break lady... such titles are liberally distributed across Klondike Elementary by a humble literacy tutor. (Yours truly.) The reason for such titles are the persons complete inability to either wear their name badges, or to get close enough for me to read them. (Psycho throw-yourself-in-front-of-my-car lady was wearing a coat so of course hers was unreadable...)
Laminating lady shows up on Tuesdays and Thursdays. No one else can laminate. It's her domain. Anything and everything- she will laminate. I'm afraid to leave my wallet or bag in there while she is enthroned for the simple fear of finding my driver's license laminated. While I may be able to laminate my own driver's license with impunity (I love laminating!) she is not allowed to touch it. So every Tuesday and Thursday, when she enters, fluffs her heavily starched, gray hair, and ties on her tool belt (yes, she wears a tool belt), I furtively gather all my materials and sneak out before she can accost me with, "Excuse me, but your life seems to be inadequately laminated."
But laminating lady is fairly harmless. Psycho throw-yourself-in-front-of-my-car lady made me mad. (Probably because of wounded self-dignity, but that's beside the point...) I left my last class 15 minutes late. Never, ever do this. That's what I've been told. However, a 5th grader with the work ethic of Edison (He's the one who said "10% inspiration, 90% perspiration" and pulled all-nighters like no body's business) asked for additional help with vocabulary. I'm a sucker for vocab and I have the standard teacher weakness for a "fertile mind." (Don't ask me why children's brains are compared to fertilizers. I have no idea...) So I stayed to help her. When I left I saw the buses lining up outside the school. I started to sprint.
It's a commonly known fact at Klondike Elementary that if you don't make it to your car before the buses cue-up you will be stuck at the school for an additional 30 (unpaid) minutes. I jumped into my car, backed out, headed for the entrance---
And was cut off by a bus. Now, this bus has a place to park. A nice, wide space. But it doesn't want to park there. It wants to park right in front of the entrance. I can't leave. What's more, I'm stranded in the middle of the parking lot, in danger of being crushed by buses. I do the only smart thing to do. The nearest children are 20 feet away. I check all mirrors. I ease off the break. I look around. I look at the buses near me- no, none are being boarded. There is no danger of me running over any children. (There is a danger of me being run over by a bus.) I need to get back in my parking space so I'm not obliterated by a bus. I start to move. I'm going so, painfully slowly that my speedometer is not even registering movement.(Once again, it's a school. I'm being careful.) Suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge, puffy coated, red-nosed teacher hurls herself in front of my barely moving car. She yells,
"YOU DO NOT DRIVE. NO DRIVING!!!" I am shocked. She scared me so badly she's lucky I didn't floor it. "STOP DRIVING NOW! DON'T MOVE!" She gets ready to bang her hands on my car hood for emphasis. (Oh, no she doesn't!)
"I'M GOING TO MY SPOT!" I yell, indicating a vacant parking spot about a car length away.
"NO. NO. NO. NO DRIVING!!!"
"YES. YES. YES. I'M MOVING!!!" I was so mad.
"NOOO YOUUUU'RE NOT!!!" It was at that point she made a tactical error. She moved out of the path of my car to bring another teacher (who doubtless heard her dramatic outburst) over to curtail me. (By this time there are no children around anywhere and the buses are revving their engines to leave.) I pull forward (perhaps the length of 1 1/2 cars) and park.
Yes.
I parked.
There were no children around. And I was petrified sitting behind those buses. My car's no bigger than a bug. I was in danger of being squashed. Livid psycho throw-herself-in-front-of-my-car lady stood behind me with her hands on her hips. Livid trying-not-to-be-squashed-extremely-careful Courtney sat in her car for 30 minutes waiting for the buses (and psycho throw-herself-in-front-of-my-car lady) to leave. While sitting there, I came to this conclusion:
She ran in front of my car faster than my car was going.
She could have seriously hurt a child.
3 comments:
teachers - oh my....
(except you, Dana)
And your mother...
:)
LOL
Hilarious! Sorry about your luck with the Psycho throw-yourself-in-front-of-my-car lady...that would of pushed me over the top to. I probably would of actually said "Oh, no you didn't!" and ran right over her. Well, maybe not. I probably would of sat in my parked car just like you for 30 minutes.
Oh, apparently there is a laminating trend. I too, love to laminate. I like to run whatever it is through slowly and I really don't like someone else laminating my stuff (yes, I'm just a little A.R.). Miller also has one lady that is the offical "laminator." She laminates on Tuesday mornings and and if you get your stuff down there 10 minutes late you better just count on waiting a entire week til she runs the laminator again. Yep, I think this is total crap. I will step off my soap box now. Gee, Courtney didn't know anyone else got so fired up about laminating and ELEPHANTS!
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