Challenges

I'm in a rut.

It's true.

I don't really like to say it. In fact, I even wrote the first part of this blog post, trying to sound profound, and wise. About being in a rut. Yes. I did.

But the simple fact is this- ruts stink. And I'm in one. And no amount of vocabulary or philosophizing is going to change the fact that I'm in a deep, well-trodden, crushingly-boring rut. While I was in New York, I realized a flaw in my self, one that, until that moment, I'd always ignored, or claimed not to have.

It happened on Sunday. We were sitting in Trevor's church, the music was resounding off the walls, and I suddenly began to cry. Panic, fear, and complete paranoia gripped me so tightly that I could hardly breathe. I am afraid.

I'm afraid of new things.
I'm afraid of the unknown.
I'm afraid to try, because,
I'm afraid to fail.

I live my life within the walls of a carefully concocted, well-thought-out plan. And although I add fun addendum onto that plan (learn to make sushi, go on a road trip, sky-dive), I never do them. I'm to terrifyingly scared.

And that Sunday night in New York, I was crying because I wanted to move to the city. But I was scared of that big of a change. I was terrified and in love with New York at the same time. And then I started thinking about everything else I haven't done, either because I was scared, or lazy, or terrified of something new.

Run a mini-marathon.
Learn how to rock climb.
Actually thrive, not just survive in grad school.
Try to make that French chocolate cake.
Build my personal library.
Driven to California.

I could go on.

But I'm not going to. I'm stopping here. I'm tired of being a second-rate. I'm tired of not trying. I'm tired of playing it safe. So... here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give myself a challenge each month. (See side-bar for this month's) It may be small. And, to people watching, it may seem rather unrelated to my new goal of "living it up," but I need to do something. God has given me one life to live. I need to be a good steward of this life.

I'm cultivating the good fear... "The fear of the LORD leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble." (Prov. 19:23)

Here it goes.