Needed on February 27th, 2009

I have several rather "scary" meetings today. Meetings in which it is quite possible that I will be told of my incompetence, my inability, and be told where my priorities and focus should be. Criticism is difficult to hear. And undue emphasis is often placed on success in the wrong areas. Being a godly daughter, sister, friend is second to being a workaholic. Success in my field is more important than success in my personal life. Keeping the correct mental attitude of praising God, while at the same time ministering to those around me, compounds the difficulty of the experience. Today, as I was climbing the stairs to get ready, literally wringing my hands about what today held, a phrase flashed through my mind:

"In Your presence is fullness of joy..."

I stopped. I have no idea where that came from, or why I thought of it, but I turned, ran down the stairs, and pulled up my on-line Bible and commentary. This is what I found:

Psalm 16:11

You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

The commentary (abridged) stated:

Most take the world for their chief good, and place their happiness in the enjoyments of it; but how poor soever my condition is in this world, let me have the love and favour of God, and be accepted of him; let me have a title by promise to life and happiness in the future state; and I have enough...

Gracious persons, though they still covet more of God, never covet more than God; but, being satisfied of his loving-kindness, are abundantly satisfied with it: they envy not any their carnal mirth and delights. But so ignorant and foolish are we, that if left to ourselves, we shall forsake our own mercies for lying vanities.

And if our eyes are ever toward God, our hearts and tongues may ever rejoice in him...

When other people dream about you...

I walked into the grad room this morning. I was wearing heels. It was fun to walk.

I had a grocery bag of goodies to stash in my locker, but as I turned to do so, Dawn caught my eye.

Dawn is one of the two "mommys" (that's what we call them) who are completing the graduate program. They actually are moms, and we've all decided that when they finish, we're throwing them a party- we did it without children and thought it was hard...

"Courtney! Seeing you, makes me want to laugh!" (I get this reaction quite frequently.) I grinned.

"Really? Thanks.... I think."

"No! Not like that... you see, my husband and I were talking about you over the weekend." (Uh-oh, what did I do now...) She went on to explain that she thinks her little boy needs therapy and that I would be the perfect person to give it to him. (Aw! As one pseudo-professional to another, that meant a lot.) But the story didn't end there.

"And it must have been because I was thinking about you, but then... I had this dream." (I start to get scared. Real me can't be held responsible for what dream me does.)

"I was at this huge banquet. It looked like the Academy Awards. And all of a sudden, I hear, announced by the MC: "And the award for America's BEST speech pathologist goes to....... COURTNEY BLAKE!" Everyone started clapping, standing ovation, I was personally so impressed at all that you had accomplished. You came up onto the stage, gracefully accepted the award, and turned to the audience to say:

"Thank you, Dawn for having this dream.""

Dawn said she was laughing so hard she woke up her husband. (We were laughing so hard after the story, that we probably could have woken a coma patient.)

I was just relieved to learn that dream me was grateful...

I am twenty-three years old.


And I still have to murmur to myself, under my breath after a supervisor's evaluation:


"I will not cry... I will not cry... I will not cry..."

This will be me after matrimony...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'

I think I'm all caught up, I know what's going on, I'm ready to go.

And then I have a day like today.

**sigh**

They're probably very good for me. I think they keep me humble, but they're hardly enjoyable, and all they seem to do is make me miserable.

I don't know what I'm doing, I'm given assignments beyond my level of knowledge, my poor supervisors have to re-write and re-do every report, while all I want to do is go crawl under a rock. I'm the lowest person on the totem-pole, and (although I have the nicest supervisors in the world), it's not pleasant realizing that your gross incompetence is causing them extra work. I'm really, really tired of being the newbie, the baby, the student.

I'd really like to just KNOW and DO.

Not ATTEMPT and FAIL.

That's when I knew why

When a grumpy man yelled in my face as I was adjusting his oxygen tube.

When a little girl's eyes lit up when I brought out the stickers.

When an old lady swore through the entire interview and asked me, "Do I look like a %^&* idiot to you?"

When a little boy fell in love with my fictional character, "Captain Radish."

When a hospital patient just "wanted to drink orange juice again."

That's when I knew why.

Why I am here. Why I am doing this. Why I will be a speech therapist as long as I possibly can be. I love this. It's my passion.

And there will be days when there are horrible tests, 3 hours of sleep, endless e-mails, and an impossibly long to-do list, but I hope I remember... I hope I remember the times when I knew why.

Do you ever have days when you feel like a complete waste of space?



Yeah.


That was today.

The great travesty and my salvation

Today we ran out of coffee.

Actually, we ran out of coffee on Friday, but I don't drink it on Saturday, and I forgot about it on Sunday, and today, Monday was the first day that this coffee absence truly affected me.

To say I was distraught would be putting it mildly. Glumly, I stared at the bottom of the empty, red Folgers container. (Yes, I buy Folgers. The cheapest I can find. I'm a college student- I don't care about the brand of my coffee, provided it has enough acid and caffeine to eat my insides and keep me awake till ungodly hours.) A gentle, gray depression settled over me.

No coffee.

The phrase is enough to strike fear and gloominess into even the most courageous soul.

I shook the container. A few black grounds fell from one side to another. There may have been enough in there for a teaspoon of well-brewed coffee. (I like my coffee so strong that it eats the spoon I stir it with.) I turned, defeated, crestfallen from my portal of daily happiness, and began to climb the stairs with something less than my usualy morning zest. (That's actually not sarcasm, I really am a morning person- once I have my coffee.)

Halfway up the flight of stairs, I had an epiphany. (Either really good, or really bad things happen when I have an epiphany.) I flew the rest of the way up. Threw on my preppy clothes (grad program makes me dress this way! I promise! Okay... You're right. I actually love wearing heals every day.)

I grabbed a little red box off my desk, and left my condo as quickly as possible.

Speeding down 52 I had one thought: "Must... reach... Speedway..."

Yes, Speedway. The gas station. My father gave me a gift certificate which (no doubt) he intended for gas, oil, air for my tires, etc. But I had a much greater use for it.

Speedway has amazing coffee. If you don't believe me- you need to try it. I poured myself a giant, 24 oz. cup, paused, just before it was completely full. Cappucinos cost the same as coffee. And Speedway has a brand new Dark Chocolate York Patty cappucino. Coffee + cappucino. Incredible!

So, this cup of coffee is amazing. My father is amazing. Dark chocolate peppermint is amazing.

I am once again a morning person!

Grateful on Monday

The heater just kicked on. I'm curled up, sporting a comfy jacket and big fuzzy slippers. I had a headache earlier, but there's nothing that pain killer and vegetable soup can't cure. Every thing's ready for tomorrow. My eyes are drooping sleepily and my fluffy down comforter is minutes away.

And I realize that although I whine, and complain, want the future, long for the past and pretend to have it so very, very hard...

Life is actually amazingly good.

That's very nice of God...