Neurosis #12

I do not, as a general rule, have a problem with nature. I love hiking. An occasional bonfire makes me quite happy. In the summer I enjoy the smells of new-mown grass and lemonade. The pleasures of winter are just as a great with clean snow and the crackle of ice. I even like wildlife. I smile at deer, raccoons, and water bugs. I find them endearing.

But I hate birds.

I'm pinning my horrible paranoia on my dear grandmother. She liked to raise chickens, geese- and one very tempermental rooster. At age three, a rooster can be a terrifying creature, and an angry rooster even more so. Although nothing traumatic ever occured between me and said rooster, I decided to be a wise three-year old and learn from the chicken's mistakes. I never approached that volatile rooster, and to this day I'm scared of all things feathered.

Unfortunately, the feathered creatures seem oblivious to my antipathy for them. Several days ago I noticed a pile of debris collecting in the corner of my front porch. With words muttered under my breath about my raucous male neighbors and their dirty habits, I brushed the straw off the porch. A couple days after that the debris was back, and I, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, looked up to my door mantle, dreading the inevitable. Yes, birds were mid-construction on a very substantial nest. I started shaking. I jump whenever birds fly over me, I wince when one walks within a 20 foot radius. I could not- I WOULD not- walk underneath a bird's home every morning as I left for work. Nor could I do a half dodge, half tuck 'n' roll inside every night, each moment fearing that a bird would fly into my house or my hair. There was only one thing to do...

I knocked the foundation of the nest to the ground. I swept every piece of gathered building material to the wind. I did so with a vehemence that is typically reserved only for those whose pictures I walk by in the post office, but this was serious! Every day since then, I sweep. And every day since I started sweeping, they re-gather their straw and nest-making supplies. I will keep sweeping. Soon, if they don't take the hint, I will have to start confiscating their straw and hay, so that they will never find it.

I'm really not a mean person, promise! Why couldn't a little, homeless puppy decide to make my doorway his home? I would love a puppy...

Excuse me, I have to go sweep my porch.