I didn't.
Probably because I was too exhausted to do much more than lie on the couch and focus on the basic action of breathing.
I thought I was getting better. The doctors thought I was getting better. Then, I miss one pill dosage (because of a crashed computer system at the CVS pharmacy) and I'm completely out. No joke. My 48 year-old mother had to practically carry me in from the car. I'm 21. I should be carrying her.
And as I lay there, it occured to me: I'm going to live my life like this. Granted, days like this will probably (hopefully) be few and far between, I'm very blessed to live in a country with fabulous drugs and doctors, but this is my life. I'm going to be sick. Forever. There's no cure.
At twenty-one I have 15 pills a day I'm taking. Daily activity is often a struggle, and I have to go in for monthly blood work.
I thought I was handling it well. I probably was. While I was in the hospital I was happy. When I spent the week at home, I was getting better. I was polite. Smiley. Said, "Thank you for praying!" a million times each Sunday. And it was all good.
I don't know if it's all good now.
I'm starting to realize that it's never going to go away. I'm always going to have to fight to stay healthy. Heck, I'm going to have days when I'll have to fight to stay upright.
"Over-achiever." Obsessive compulsive. 5-year strategic planner. I've always been in control. I've always been in charge. My life has always been flawlessly organized, planned and mapped out. I make a goal. I achieve the goal. End of story. Dependence on any person or thing has always made me shudder. This has progressed to the point where I'm hopeless at starting (or maintaining) a relationship- with Mary Kay salespersons, bosses, school advisors, not to mention members of the opposite gender. I fly solo. It's safest. Easiest. Maybe lonely- but definitely free of any reliance on anyone else.
But now I can't live like that. At all. Each day I have to get up and say, "Lord, help me make it through." And I have no other option. No other guarantee but that my Heavenly Father loves me. He knows what's best. And He's my only choice. I can't do it on my own.
I feel battered. Bruised. And some mornings I don't want to get out of bed. Some nights I don't want to go to bed because I'm afraid of tomorrow.
I'm not in control.
I have no strength on my own.
And I think that's right where God wants me...
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.
O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.
(Psalm 59:16,17)
1 comment:
Courtney-
You have no idea how mch I relate to this. Granted I am not sick like that, but I do my best to rely on no one. I set goals, achieve them and that's the end of the story. I know how you feel. It is extremely hard for me to remember that there is always someone that I need to ask before i do things. Someone that I need to pray to every morning to help me make it cheerfully through each day. Someone that already knows what is best for me and doesn't need hindsight. This is hard for me.
If you need someone to confide in. Someone who understands exactly what you mean and are going through, I would love to be that person. I know that our visits and even conversations are few and far between but my email is the same as alex's just at bsu, and there is always snail mail.
I love you like a sister and when we are together it seems as though we havent missed a beat. I love that about us! Thank you for being the wonderfully imperfect person that you are!
-angie
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