My life, despite sundry Monday morning Facebook updates, is wonderful. I love where I am, I love how I'm growing, I love what I'm working on, I love my job, my family, my school, and my future.
But today, curled up on my couch (which I also love), sipping coffee with a friend, (who is in love with her current life), we began to question our contentment.
Part of what I love about my life is my singleness. I love, love, LOVE it! My mother, noting my recent increase in peace and joy, asked my father if I had the "gift of singleness." (Whatever that means...) I have always been the girl who loves looking at wedding magazines, planning out color combos, and imagining a Prince Charming with impossibly conflicting cockiness and compassion. But recently, within the past several years, I've noticed a decrease in my wedding planning and in increase in peaceful contentment.
Not a bad thing, right?
Eh, I'm not so sure.
This afternoon, cradling a steaming cup o' joe, I asked why I was so content. Polaroid, quick snap of holiness would seem to show that I'm resting with perfect contentment in God's plan for my life, trusting without reservation that all the plans He ordained for me are good and glorious.
But I'm sorry. I've been around the "sin block" enough times in my short 24 years to know that if the choice is between my behaving perfectly, or some deeper, sinful motive... then it's probably the sin, not my "perfection," which is the answer.
I think I might be selfish.
Don't chuckle. I know I'm selfish, but I'm talking about being selfishly single.
Being single is easier than being a couple.
Don't roll your eyes at me, lonely damsel on a couch or sex-deprived single man fighting temptation. It is. For me. I don't have to consult with anyone, I don't have to check in with anyone. I don't have to plan my future with someone else, I don't have to rearrange that future for someone else. I get to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I can sell my house, take a new job, move out of state, plan my next vacation-- all on my own.
I am on my own.
Sure, sometimes it's lonely. Sure, sometimes the thought of no children, no spouse for the rest of my life turns me a pale shade of blue. Sure, I want to register for hand towels and glass bowls like the rest of them. (I mean, come on! Have you been in Pottery Barn?) I remember playing "bride" when I was four. (The groom is now married with two children.) Sure, it sounds wonderful. But something in the back of my mind is nagging...
What if Prince Charming, complete with motorcycle and Porsche shows up, with his rugged chiseled jaw, impossibly hilarious (yet tasteful) sense of humor, and his life on scorching fire for God?
Would I say "yes"?
Because being single is easy. There are no problems to solve, no fights to be had, no conflicts to resolve. There are no tandem plans to be made, money to be haggled over, and pet peeves to battle.
It's just me. And God. And I'm liking that right now...
So, do I trust God with this? Yes, part of me does. Part of me loves what He's doing and teaching. But the other part of me likes it because I don't have to share the space heater and no one tells me I can't go to Vegas in April.
So, while I'm here, I'm not "waiting" for some as yet unknown Mr. Perfect to come and rescue me from my singleness. No, I'm growing, I'm moving, I'm trying with every once of my being to destroy the selfish tendencies which love to run my life. I don't really know if I'm succeeding. All I can pray is that I'm "bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God," so "that [I] may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way."*
Hmm... I guess we won't know until Mr. Chiseled-jaw shows up.
But until then... I'm a selfishly, satisfied single. Bring on Vegas.
*Colossians 1:10
3 comments:
Wow Courtney. That was challenging. I'm also in that satisfying single position. I appreciate your insights.
Some of the most inspiring...influential...invigorating...instances in my life occurred during an extended...voluntary...single and extremely satisfying time while I was pursuing my degree. Life is so simple when you are your only influence; moods, experiences, decisions...I think you are correct...there is an inexplicable guiding force...sometimes you don't know what is best for you...but the universe will always guide you to your destination so long as you are patient and you listen...which you seem to do so very well ;) I understand your feelings so well...I experienced them myself along with so many other infinite questions regarding myself and relationships...societal expectations...obligations... marriage...children...even now, in a relationship...I speak to those days of peace and simplicity...wondering if I am intended to be alone...trying so hard to be less selfish in relationships. I've learnned to be true to myself and so long as this can be done in a partnership you will know...until then...listen to your heart and stay true to yourself and your dreams...Thank you for sharing.
Just a hint:
Read your description of your perfect man and ask yourself- ASK yourself- would you NOT marry that guy? Admittedly, were I a woman I would prefer a Maserati, but a Porsche would do.
Do this exercise until you realize that you would date, become engaged to, and then marry that man.
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