In Lieu of Originality... Here's Some Crazy

Hello, readers! (Don't you hate it when I address you as that? I always hated it when writers did that... it bespoke unwarranted familiarity. Now I do it to you. Proof that our greatest pet peeves are often exhibited most prominently in our own persons.)

Relationships have been the discussion of several of my blogging peers. As you know, I'm no stranger to an occasional relationship rant, and I feel that I must fall into line behind several of my more intellectual colleagues and try flex my relationship writing skills once again.

The primary topic of recent posts has been desirable traits for a future mate. Insights and comprehensive lists have been proposed, and I have been impressed by their breadth and intelligence. I cannot hope to achieve the wit and knowledge that my peers display, but I have a few notes of my own to add:

Nine Things Necessary In a Spouse (of mine): (numbering does not denote importance, merely organization.)

1. He has to eat the crusts on his bread. Flagrant waste of such nutrients is not to be tolerated. Besides, it's yummy.

2. I would prefer a man who knows the difference between the oil and the windshield washer fluid openings under the hood of my car. Mixing up the two is not pretty.

3. If his eyebrows are large enough to have their own personalities, he must not be adverse to waxing, plucking, and/or restraining them in any way necessary.

4. No squashing of my competitive nature is to be tolerated. I become animated (some say, "violent") when playing Monopoly. If you don't like having board games tossed at your head, please look elsewhere.

5. Good penmanship is appreciated.

6. He should not be easily shocked at the multiple fluctuation in moods and opinions that occur, often over the space of a mere 24 hours. (i.e. Some days I will want 12 children, the next day I will be convinced that children are of the devil and any number of them is completely out of the question.)

7. Must be willing to give an intelligent opinion on scented candles. I find it virtually impossible to pick out a new candle on my own. And I can tell when you're patronizing me and not really paying attention. Unacceptable.

8. He will probably have no bathroom cabinet space. I experiment with too many hair products. I hope he is okay with this.

9. Must be okay with the fact that many things, like the length of this list, will be determined, not on the basis of thought, or even random chance, but rather on the basis of whether or not they are divisible by three. (i.e. the volume on my car radio, the length of time I microwave my tea, the number of miles I run on a treadmill, how many pancakes can go onto the griddle at the same time... etc., etc.)

There.

I feel as though I've tossed my teaspoon of thought into the great, big cauldron of simmering spouse advice. (Ah... gotta love a metaphor...)

Here's my point: I'm completely and insanely crazy. The nine above? They're only a snippet of my craziness. Only love that's aspiring to be like Christ's sacrificial love, will ever be able to hug me and say, "Honey, you're a nut case. And I love you."