Juggling... Exhausted

Lately, I have felt an overwhelming sense of panic. It's not overwhelming because of its intensity, but rather because of its low-grade consistency.

I feel as though I'm juggling 107 different balls, different areas of my life, different to-do lists. Despite my efforts to tick things off, one by one, I never seem to get ahead. On top of it all, my nasty health problems have chosen (probably in part because of the stress) the flare up right now, causing my energy to tank and migraines to increase.

I'm in my final stages of grad classes, and although the work has settled into a type of normalcy, it hasn't settled into a normalcy that's easy or relaxing.

I'm working (or trying to, between crazy clinic hours) part time, and my boss and co-workers are amazing. However, I spend all my time at work cold calling people all over the United States shmoozing for information they don't want to give out. (And some people are grumpy. The further north you go, the worse it is. Customer service in Minnesota is atrocious compared to Florida's. I blame the lack of sun...) So it's not a restful job (but whose job is?).

I'm trying to sell my condo, and prepping for selling while working part time and going to school full time, is a major pain. I'll clean and purge as much as I can on the weekends, but two weeks have gone by and I still haven't scrubbed my carpets and re-arranged the linen closet, and I'm creeping dangerously close to my deadline (i.e. "Have condo listed on market by end of February.")

I'm looking for jobs in Manhattan, and let's just say, if people in Minnesota are grumpy, at least they have room to exhale and relieve their stress. Those New Yorkers are horrible at stress management. Consequently, cold calling them to set up interviews and observations is enough to make anyone go crazy.

Then there are sundry other little things: exercise more, eat right, direct children's play, teach choir, babysit, etc., etc. Things I LOVE, yet seem to increase my stress load.

All of this would be manageable were it not for one thing: my health.

I'm twenty-four years old, and I am tired, light-headed, anemic, and in pain on a consistent basis. I feel like I'm eighty (actually, I hope eighty feels better than this...). Last night, as I crawled into bed, exhausted at eight p.m. (after a 45 minute nap earlier in the day), I wanted to pound my pillow in frustration. I can go weeks, months without any fatigue, and then wham! It hits me like a freight train. Suddenly I'm barely able to move, I have a constant low-grade head ache, my brain ceases to function, I black out whenever I stand up. I love to go, go, go. I'm very goal driven, to-do list oriented, and when I can barely make a to-do list, I become so frustrated.

I measure my life by things accomplished. A successful week is when every list is finished. And I can't do that right now. I'm trying to look at the bright side: that God doesn't measure success in to-do lists. That because of where I am now, I can sympathize with persons with chronic health problems, something I was never able to do before. That because of what I'm feeling I appreciate healthy days so much more than I ever have. That I have a gracious, loving support system which constantly tries to help me.

But sometimes all I can think is:

"I am twenty-four years old. This should not be happening to me. Why is this happening? Why?"

My days have passed, my plans are shattered,
and so are the desires of my heart. (Job 17:11)

My lists are not everything.

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan
that can succeed against the LORD.
The horse is made ready for the day of battle,
but victory rests with the LORD. (Proverbs 21:30,31)

I do not control my future.

Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)

A lack of strength is not a lack of purpose.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. (II Corinthians 9:8)

Through God, because of God, today is possible.

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens.
Selah
(Ps. 68:19)