6 a.m. lesson

God, in all of his wisdom, power and love (yes, His love must be somewhere in this) is letting me fail.

Every vestige of competence that I ever thought I had, or laid claim to, is slowly, painfully, but steadily being stripped away. The things that I gloried in, the levels of competence that I achieved, the security I had amassed- it's all being removed, one layer of complacent pride at a time.

The day I thought I was an amazing student- God obliterated hopes of an A with a solid D. When I wrestled for approbation in my clinical competence, I was verbally derided as having failed. I thought my joy and happiness were unquenchable- until I went through the longest period of depression I have ever known. Turning in papers that I had written (and I love writing, I can do writing) only to have them given back with a C average. And it goes on.

And after I'm sobbing, after I'm angry, after I climb out of the hopeless abyss of failure (again), I wipe the tears from my eyes, pick up whatever I just threw across the room, straighten whatever I just crumpled in my arms, and remember... "not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God." And as I turn, devoid of one more crutch, one more layer of complacency and pride, I hear, "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?" And my anger at a great God sobers me.

Yet despite that greatness..."He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart." Even though the end goal of this life is not my happiness, not my joy, not my glory, not my success. The end goal of this life is "not [that we] preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord." And that "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body."


But that's very hard to remember at 6 a.m. when you see your grade...