Confession... one of so many faults...

I have a horrible, all-consuming, awful habit.

I want people to be happy.

I know. It sounds good, doesn't it? It sounds wonderful. It sounds self-less.

It's not. At least not entirely.

Back underneath this desire for everyone to be happy, is a little black, nasty, moldy sin. It's called people-pleasing. It's really people worship. It's idolatry. It just sits there. It's unobtrusive. It doesn't peek it's head out very often, and (as stated above) it's covered by a very, very good thing. But it's still there. And it's still nasty.

I, deep down, want to please people more than I want to please God.

If you walked right up to me and asked me, "Courtney, do you want to make someone other than God happy?" I would look horrified. "What!?! Want to please anyone other than my heavenly Father? What can you possibly be thinking? Of course not!" But it's true.

The problem with this particular sin is that it's morphing. In high school it was all-engrossing. In the early years of my college I battled it- fought it. Hated it. I struggled with wanting everyone to like me. Everyone to approve. Everyone to be happy with me. The problem with that is that there are too many everyones. And I shouldn't want some of them to be happy with me. So I beat it. I hated it. And (I thought) conquered it.

But all it did was creep further back into a corner of my personality, it changed its shape, and gradually crept into the crevices- entrenching itself in my life. Insidiously. Now, while I really want everyone to be happy- I realize the impossibility of that. It's not an all-engrossing goal. And I realize that it's never going to happen. But as I said, it's not gone. It just shifted from the majority to a select minority. And it grew stronger.

The shocking realization (which really shouldn't be that shocking) is how much I value others' opinions, (and how much my life shows that value) versus how much I value God's opinion, His judgment. This skews my perspective, my purpose, my passion, my life.

What can I plead to my Heavenly Father? What can I beg? That my focus, my all-consuming passion be Christ. That He be the only thing in my sights. That His glory be the only thing I'm striving for. That pleasing Him, making the man who hung in torture on slabs of wood, his life's blood rushing out of him in painful, slow agony- He who felt the wrath of God- who felt the worst sense of displeasure- pleasing him should be the one and only focus of my life.

Help me, God.