No Words

I hate this feeling. It's like an internal force, something inside me screaming. It wants to be written, and, as horribly Hollywood as it sounds, I don't feel better until it is.

But I don't like it. It hurts. Like ripping off a scab. Oh so bad, and yet good at the same time. It vaguely resembles the feeling I get mid-exam. A sort of panting exhaustion, a strange adrenaline rush, a "this is is!" moment. In an exam you can prepare. There's no study guide for writing your life.

The tricky part is, I don't even know what to say... There's some feeling sitting in my gut, and there are no words to add substance to it. I'm grabbing at phrases, but nothing seems to come...

Maybe I'm lonely.

I think that's the closest I can come. But it's not even that. It's like a subtle nostalgia. A faint whisper of "I love you"... perhaps the melody of "Moon River." Almost like waking up the day after Christmas and realizing it's all over. It's like those tears you cry when driving, a cup of hot chocolate, one of those nights when you wake up at 2 and realize you're all alone- in the dark. It reminds me of down comforters, fireplaces and candle light. There aren't words. There are only senses.

I want the English language to have a word for this.

But all I can say is I'm lonely. I'm wistful. I'm content.

The end.