Today life is much better. I'm sure that has nothing to do with attitude, the grace of God, and re-alignment of priortities.

It was probably the crazy yodeling I did in the car on the way to work...

I'm tired of it.

Tired of it all.

Arrgh!

I'm tired of always being wrong, always being corrected, being corrected when I'm NOT wrong, being told to write more, being told to write less, being told that I'm good at something, and then being smacked with "you're not REALLY good at it." Being told to be confident to call it, and then being told that I can't call THAT. Being told I have a good eye but my ear isn't so great, being told I have a great ear but my eye isn't so great.

SICK OF IT!

It's as though extern rotations are specifically designed to shake whatever confidence you might have, or might be developing, and move it around.

"You're good. You're not. Well, you're good at that, but not this. Nevermind, you're not good at that. Do it this way. No, do it that way. Didn't I TELL YOU to do it this way?"

ARRRRGH!

Part of it is just my pride rearing its ugly head in anger and wounded pain.

The other part, I am sure, even in my rage, is valid frustration. Don't expect me to know things you never taught. Don't expect me to do things that you never do. Don't expect me to know what that word means, how to measure that, or how to deal with them.

STOP.

I'm a STUDENT. First, I'm doing a GOOD job, I'm working my a** off (yes, mom, I said that), and I'm doing it CORRECTLY. I'm not killing anyone. I'm not even HARMING anyone or causing them pain.

Tomorrow, maybe even tonight, this rant will be funny, irrational, and incorrect. But for right now it's very, very real.

I am blessed. I love my placement. I love my experiences. I really, truly do. I'm just a little tired of being the "girl who doesn't know what she's doing" and the student who can be whipped around on a whim.

Just tired.
And a little frustrated.

And ready for the summer vacation I will never have.

It's 8:51 on a Saturday night, and I'm home, freshly returned from yet another wedding. I think I average about 10 weddings a year (over the past 4 years), and I could probably marry someone, verbatim, from Pastor Aucoin's script. (But I'm very happy for the new Mr. & Mrs.! I love seeing new families start...)

I'm already in my p.j. pants, and I'm debating the value of a fruit smoothie over frozen pizza.

My life is very tame, very quiet, very void of excitement, and limited in personal interactions. I am so delighted with everything that God has been teaching me-- the quiet filing He's done on my imperfect character over these past few months. I see a (slightly) more gracious, peaceful, dependent person emerge from His tutelage.

But I'm lonely.

I can see everything God is doing. I turn to Him faster, I delight in His care, and right now I'm grieving over my discontent. How cruel, to say to a God who has lavished abundant love, grace, and joy on my life: "You're not enough." My heart rends at the lack of love I'm showing to my Father, and I pray, over, and over: "Please... I want you to be enough. Satisfy me with you. Be the only delight of my heart."

And yet my flesh fights back, and godly desires constantly war with deceitful selfishness. I know that my desire to be a wife and mother is a good thing. These are roles God designed specifically for women. He wants me to desire them. He created me to desire them.

But I am never to prize these roles more than bringing glory to my Savior. Should my lack of fulfillment in these areas of my life lead me to bitterness, anger, self-pity, and ungratefulness, then I know my desires are no longer God given: they are now mangled atrocities my sinful flesh has twisted and warped.

So, I'm lonely. And constantly battling my desires.

I want to be married. And I want God to be enough.

I don't want to be lonely. And I want to be okay with being alone.

I want to cultivate admiration and skills for the roles of wife and mother. And I want to be satisfied and joyful, should they never come about.

Such a delicate tight-rope!

I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations.

(Isaiah 69:10,11)

Quote of the Day:

"You know what... I'm just going to have to start double-stacking my awards."


(My brother on his organizational "quandry." Life is just hard for some people.)

Wordless Learning... (or an empty brain)

Hello, all... such a long sabbatical from my blog has not happened in many moons. In fact, initially 2010 was looking to be my most prolific year yet.

However, that is not to be. Over the past several months I have been sick almost constantly, and have been battling complete incompetence throughout my clinical externship. The combined effect of this duo has been a constant sense of inadequacy, stomach cramps, and anemia.

But God is gracious, is He not? And despite my barely cognizant existence, I have been learning, and growing, and delighting in Him more and more each day. In ways that I would never have been wise enough to discover without external prompting, my God has become a focal part of my life, the delight of my existence, in ways that I never imagined.

What a great God.

All that to say:

I've been learning massive quantities, and occasionally, through my brain would flash a thought: "I need to write about this!" But the anemia, and the pills drained all my big words and energy, and instead I'd just curl up on my couch, under 12 blankets, and doze.

As I'm emerging from my cocoon of maladies, I can hardly wait to recount the numerous hilarious, delightful, painfully-taught lessons that I've learned.

But my written ramblings will have to wait.

I haven't done laundry in a month, and the gush of energy, propelling my thoughts and words is as of yet, still hampered by horse pills and sleepiness.

But someday... someday soon... I'll be writing massive quantities yet again.



(Seriously, if you haven't seen the movie, "Becoming Jane" you need to. LOVE it.)