I. Am. Selfish.
Do you need some practical examples? I always want the biggest piece of pizza. I get angry when I don't win at Monopoly. I don't clean out the lint-trap in the dryer. I'll ignore your phone call if I'm studying. I zone out when engineers start talking about concrete. I struggle with feeling sympathetic during "my-boyfriend-is-________" converstaions. I'll use the last of the coffee creamer.
(I know! I'm awful!)
But even more powerful than my coffee-creamer selfishness is what I term my "big fear." I'm scared to let other people into my life. It's too scary. I'm so afraid that they'll see all my nastiness and say, "No thanks." just as I'm beginning to love them. And it hurts when someone says, "No thanks." But that doesn't matter. What matters is that in isolating myself I have refused to love and serve others. I'm focusing on my needs instead of theirs. I'm being selfish.
The following quote brought on (or rather reenforced) this epiphany...
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” (C.S. Lewis)
2 comments:
'reinforced' hon ... like 'reinforced concrete'.
funny how we epiphanize about similiar things :) people are prickly ... and so am I (I'm perfectly aimiable, hospitable, kind and generous when there's no-one else around!)
well if its any consolation we all are like that...especially those of us who have gone through loads of rejection already...it makes it hard to say here is my heart break it at will...but what you said is really convicting and true...
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