Very Incoherent (but honest)

I am selfish. Don't smile and nod like I'm talking about the weather or my new hair cut. I am! It doesn't matter how effectively I may do the "church-girl" stint, or the "exemplary student" gig, the truth is still there.

I. Am. Selfish.

Do you need some practical examples? I always want the biggest piece of pizza. I get angry when I don't win at Monopoly. I don't clean out the lint-trap in the dryer. I'll ignore your phone call if I'm studying. I zone out when engineers start talking about concrete. I struggle with feeling sympathetic during "my-boyfriend-is-________" converstaions. I'll use the last of the coffee creamer.

(I know! I'm awful!)

But even more powerful than my coffee-creamer selfishness is what I term my "big fear." I'm scared to let other people into my life. It's too scary. I'm so afraid that they'll see all my nastiness and say, "No thanks." just as I'm beginning to love them. And it hurts when someone says, "No thanks." But that doesn't matter. What matters is that in isolating myself I have refused to love and serve others. I'm focusing on my needs instead of theirs. I'm being selfish.

The following quote brought on (or rather reenforced) this epiphany...

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” (C.S. Lewis)

“I'm just going to write because I cannot help it.”

(Charlotte Bronte)

Blackberry Tea and Candles

It's the best feeling in the world.

I'm curled up in my comfy "lounge" pants, wearing my brother's sweatshirt. My hair is piled up on my head and I'm sipping blackberry herbal tea my father bought me. I just got off the phone with my mom and the little sis said, "ay blue!" which is her way of saying "I love you!"

My roomie's studying. My laundry's done. My room is impeccable and I'm ready for the next week. I have a mango apricot candle burning and piano music playing faintly in the background.

I'm describing externals in hopes that they will lead to a more accurate representation of my heart. I spend so much of my time running. So much time checking off a to-do list. My life is wonderful, but my life is full. So often I live in frantic activity, and tonight, as I sit, curled Indian-style on my bedroom floor I'm aware of an emotion that I haven't felt in months.

Peace.

God is so good. He graciously lavishes blessing after blessing. It reminds me of a verse I read this morning...

".... for He is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under His care." (Ps. 95)

So often I look at God's work in my life as occurring only when I'm struggling or going through a trial. What a shallow view of my God's plan! And how ungrateful...

Tonight God is teaching His love. Tonight He's showing His rest. Tonight He's lavishing blessing. Some may attribute my peace to the blackberry tea, or my family, my candles, or my comfort and ease. Look further- there's a God who gave me all that. For He is good. And He is love.

"Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord...let us come before Him with thanksgiving..." (Ps. 95)