Sweat bands, Chris Tomlin, and Treadmill Whiplash

I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, athletic. I can't even claim general interest in athletics, other than that of an animated spectator. I've never desired to play softball, or be able to slam dunk a basket. I am embarrassingly bad on a tennis court, and incapable of getting a soccer ball in a goal. These activities hold no appeal to me.

But I do want to be able to wear shorts this summer without gut-wrenching embarrassment, so about a week ago I started running.

I used to run quite regularly two years ago, but since then other things (life, mainly) have kept me from running. I never enjoyed it. I barely missed it. (Except when I was in the midst of that I-just-ate-my-weight-in-pizza flabby feeling...)

Now, exercise enthusiasts, don't mock me, but I did an amazing thing this week. I ran every day. Yes. I did. Granted, each day was only about 2 miles, but I still am quite impressed with me. In fact, I might have been getting a little cocky. Which is why God allowed Thursday to happen...

I woke up at 5, donned my athletic gear, and drove to the Community Center to make use of the fitness facilities. I calculated that given everything else I needed to do before work, I only had about 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 on weight machines. I got crackin'.

Half-way through a great Chris Tomlin jam, I get an oozy, drippy feeling. I believe most people refer to it as "sweat" and I avoid it at all cost. So here I am sweating and running. Double bad combo.

I'm in a quandary. Three scant feet away from me is a fan. But it's not on. I know (from past experience) that if I stop my treadmill to go turn on the fan all my settings, speeds, and work will be deleted from the treadmill console (if I don't restart in less than .037 seconds from the time when I paused).

But I'm a college graduate. I came up with a solution.

I jump, agilely, off the treadmill, leaving it running. I dash over the to fan, turn it on "high" and dash back to my treadmill- still jammin' (all the while) to my dear friend, Mr. Tomlin.

Cocky, sure of my self, confident that I solved the problem, and sure that I was lookin' good despite the sweat (this delusion was helped by the fact I was younger than everyone else in the workout room by about 37 years), I walk to the back of the treadmill, and step on.

BANG!

I was down so fast, I didn't even know what had happened. Turns out, when you're focused on turning on the fan, to reduce sweat, while at the same time checking to make sure your sweat band is attractively positioned, all the while rockin' out to "How Great Is Our God" you forget that you left the treadmill running. And when you think it's off, and you try to get back on, it causes a serious problem.

My problem manifested itself in me, face planting half-on/half-off the treadmill, while every hair in my legs (no, I had not shaved yet), was ripped out by a relentless rubber belt.

When I finally righted myself and surveyed the damage, I found myself to be the proud possessor of two very swollen, purple knees, multiple rubber tread marks up and down my legs, (the kind Wiley Coyote got when assaulted by the Road Runner) and bruised palms. I was also in possession of a great deal of humility.

Meekly, I climbed back on my treadmill and completed my run.

Lessons learned? You hurt all over the day after a treadmill accident. Don't even bother checking your sweat band- no one looks good in them. Distracting music can be fatal to the condition of your knees. And I am probably the only person who can make treadmill running as dangerous as mountain biking...

New batch of 2nd graders: "Annabelle"

Her name is (for the sake of privacy) has been changed to "Annabelle". Her real name is more girly and ruffly than "Annabelle", if you can imagine that, but I've decided to give her a pseudonym in case her posterity should come across this entry...

I teach second grade Sunday school. This past Sunday I got a new class. Excitement was rampant. Everyone was a little nervous and excited about the new situation. (Me probably more so than the kids...)

Everyone is sitting quietly in their chairs (they're generally so scared of me the first few weeks that they behave- but this quickly changes...), everyone but my dear friend "Annabelle." She is standing in the back of the room. There are only two empty desks in the entire room and she's staring at them both. I've told everyone to sit down and become quiet several times already. Finally, I make a direct comment to her...

"Annabelle, please sit down."
She looks intensely perplexed and states,"I can't."
I look intensely quizzical and ask,"Why not?"
She answers,"I can't choose which desk to sit at..."

The desks are the same height. Same color. Located side-by-side. There is not a single thing to differentiate between the two except for the fact that desk number 1 is a foot further to the left than desk 2. They are identical- totally, completely, without a doubt. Identical.

"Well, why don't you just go ahead and pick one. Sit down." I say (with complete ignorance as to who I'm talking to).
"I can't! I just can't make a decision! It's such a hard choice!" And her forehead wrinkles up as she lifts her hands in a gesture of hopelessness.
"Go ahead. I don't think it matters. Just pick the one you like best." (I have now started talking in my fake-chipper-teacher voice that I whip out when verging on laughter and frustration.)
"No. I can't. I like them both. I have no idea where to sit. This is a very hard decision." And she stands there, confused, refusing to pick a desk.

I turn to the rest of the class.
"Okay everyone, this is desk number one, and that one is desk number two. How many of you think Annabelle should sit in desk number one- raise your hands" Three people raise their hands. "All right, how many of you think Annabelle should sit in desk number two?" Twelve people raise their hands. (The other 17 children sit there wondering what's going on, and forget to vote...) "Okay, Annabelle, the class thinks you should sit in desk number two. Sit down in desk number two."

The look of consternation lifts from her face. She smiles, and acquiesces to the class's decision on "the best desk" and sits in desk number 2 for the rest of Sunday School. (Except for the multiple times she got up and came to my desk to correct me, or tell me something entirely unrelated to what was currently going on.)

What with dear "Annabelle", Harrison who wears argyle and has a comb-over, and Trista who refuses to stay in her seat for longer than 3.2 seconds, (and these are only 3 of my 35 very unique 2nd grade students) I think this year will be rather interesting...

THIS IS INDIA .

It's where you call when you have a technical problem with your computer...

Epiphanies in the office, seated in a desk chair, gazing at the computer monitor

There is a whole lot of sunshine you don't see when your office is in a basement.

My tailbone does have nerve endings, and they are currently numb.

I now understand why my father had the desire/ability to run marathons... after this for 9 hours a day, you just want to move.

I see excel spreadsheets when I close my eyes.

Chatting it up with statistics guys from various universities is probably a sign that I don't get enough human interaction.

Unlimited text messaging is a life-line.

Packed lunches become very boring.

I'm thankful I have a great job.

I'm still not a fan of digging ditches or sitting in a toll booth...

I don't think you should draw your life's philosophy from Dove chocolate wrappers...

It has come to my attention that Dove needs to hire someone else to create the inscriptions on the foil used to wrap their dark chocolates. (Their milk chocolate philosophy may be just fine, I have no idea. I'm a dark chocolate connoisseur myself...)

For example:

"Naughty can be nice."

(Anyone who's ever spent significant time- as in 20 minutes- with a two year old would disagree.)

"A smile is worth more than a dozen roses."

(Says who?!? A man so totally wrote that.)

"Love without rules."

(That seems like a dangerous thing to write. What if my version of "loving without rules" was violently possessive (i.e. "stalker girlfriend")? A person prone to such affection should probably be given some guidelines to help them love in a more acceptable fashion.)

"Listen to your heart beat and dance."

(I considered doing this, but then remembered that I live in the 21st century, am German-American, and am thereby excluded from spiritualistic rituals monopolized by 17th century native Americans.)

"Make your eyes twinkle."

(I tried this. They looked squinty. How exactly does one make one's eyes twinkle? How frustrating to be given a command I am clueless as to how to fulfill.)

I think I am putting way to much thought into my chocolate eating...

Weekend with the Fam

Andrea (Austin's fiancee), Austin, Markus, Me

I got to spend this past weekend with the Schafer family! Austin (Markus' younger brother) graduated from Grove City College on Saturday with his B.A. and I tagged along with Markus on the trip out to Grove City, PA.

A full entry of the weekend's various activities would be too long for my average readers. Suffice to say that Mrs. Schafer ate chicken wings, Austin did smile for the camera in graduation, Mr. Schafer ordered a "unique" beverage, Markus did (at one point in the past) eat 77 wings, and Andrea is lovely.

Oh, and we only listened to 45 minutes of NPR during our 14 hours in the car. Yay!

Because God is love...

I was notified at the end of last week that I had been selected for a graduate assistantship for my first year of graduate school. Prior to this information I had no funding and no resources to continue my education. However, God never ceases to amaze me with his love and provision, and I now have full funding for the fall semester! As an additional bonus (kinda like a toy in a Happy Meal!), the professor I will be working with has the exact same area of research interest that I do (neurophysiology of speech production) and has asked me to T.A. the easiest class in the undergraduate department. (Translation: major benefits, minor work load.)

Can God get any more detailed in his explicit love towards me?

I submit that He cannot.

:)

Epiphany of the Week: Never Talk to your Budget

I, as a general rule, am very fond of fruit. However, it came to my attention (sometime in February) that my budget didn't like how much I was spending on very expensive, small, often bad-tasting replicas of my summertime favorites. So the budget and I had a chit-chat...

Budget: Courtney, you know as well as I do that a teacher's aid doesn't make that much money.
Me: Yes... I know. *sigh*
Budget: You also know that said teacher's aid has to pay electric, gas, and general expenses.
Me: Yes...
Budget: Said teacher's aid had also probably be saving money for next year and graduate school.
Me: Why are you calling me "said teacher's aid"?
Budget: I thought it would make me sound more official.
Me: You're not really that official... you're more just a general guideline.
Budget: I know that! Sheesh. You don't think I'm frustrated at how lightly you treat me?
Me: I'm sorry... I try, I really do.
Budget: Try harder. I'm starting to feel undervalued.
Me: Well, truth be told... I am a little angry with you.
Budget: What!?! Me? Why?
Me: We need to talk about the amount you've allotted to clothing and new shoes.
Budget: Nope. It's set. It's fixed- nonnegotiable. It's practical.
Me: Erg! I hate practical...
Budget: But it's good for you.
Me: I know...
Budget: And I'm good for you.
Me: I know...
Budget: So let's talk about how much you're spending on bad fruit...

The long and short of it is, my budget and I decided that frozen fruit would have to satisfy me until I could obtain the "real thing" in its season.

All that to say:

Strawberries are on sale at Meijer!

Psalm 84:11

Purdue University Graduate School admittance, Markus, Market Research Internship, Sunday afternoons with the ex-roomie, Julie-Bop, Grandma's 80th birthday, Klondike Elementary students, Sunday school class, weekends with extended boyfriend time, skirt weather, family dinners...

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
Psalm 84:11
**Lord, may I walk uprightly...**

QUOTES (Because the "Bear" hasn't monopolized a blog post in a while...)

Me: So, who was Jesus' dad?
Bear: Ummm.... this is a tough one... Abraham?


Bear: You know, baby bears can't eat normal food.
Me: Really?
Bear: Yup, they have to drink milk from their mom's body... It's probably skim.
Me: **choking with laughter**


(at lunch) Bear: What a lovely apple! (He then kisses it.)


(Whenever I make a mistake) Bear: Excuse me, my dear...


Bear: Some people are old, and I don't like old people.


Bear: I think I will have 25 kids. (pause) No, wait. That's absurd. (another pause. He's counting...) I'll have 15. That's about what will fit in my house.


Me: (opening the door for him)
Bear: Whoa! Let me open the door. After all, my name is "Bear" and bears are gentlemen.

My plan to pick-up soccer, join the military, and switch to engineering at a college in Manhattan prior to going to seminary.

Okay, so I've always thought of myself as a fairly content person. I'm not one to rock the boat. I like to think I don't whine. (Don't ask any of my friends or family about that one...) I'm easy to please, yada, yada, yada.

It's not true.

**sigh**

I wish it were, but over the past few weeks I've noticed a horrible trend. I'm envious.

If I'm all dressed up, and I see someone in sweat pants- I want to wear sweatpants. BUT if I'm in sweat pants and I see someone all dressed up- I want to be dressed up. I'll choose Mango-Pineapple V8 juice, get up to the counter, see that someone else has the Mixed Berry V8, and suddenly I'm mad at them for picking a better juice. (The whole aisle was stocked with Mixed Berry, I could have chosen it if I really wanted to.) I'm excited I graduated early (I never liked spring semester finals) then I see everyone going through spring semester finals and I turn a little green.

Unfortunately this is not confined to juice selections and finals. The persons I am most jealous of are my siblings. How crazy is that?

Alex is in engineering on a full-ride scholarship from the army. (Yes, I was jealous of the engineering and army. Why in the WORLD would I want to join the military and take Quantum Physics?)

Trevor is heading off to a college in Manhattan to prep for becoming a pastor. (Okay, who doesn't want to go to college in Manhattan... and I wanted to be a pastor before I found out only guys could do it...)

Erika is a freshman in highschool, playing soccer, and hangin' with friends. (I can't play soccer. I probably couldn't play any sport if my life depended on it.)

Julie's not so easy to envy... I'm still very grateful I'm out of diapers... ;)

But then I have to stop and remember. God saved me. He loves me. So he didn't just leave me where he found me, he's patiently working out all my problems and my kinks. And even though I may grouse about my life (which, let's face it, is actually really nice), he's very patient with me, and graciously gives me far more than I deserve.

So until the time I pick-up soccer, join the military, and switch to engineering at a college in Manhattan prior to seminary. I'll just remember Paul's words in Philippians: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."

I'm currently single due to academic rigors required of my boyfriend by Purdue.




Boo, Purdue.

Epiphany of the week: clean out purse...

My car is nice. It's also new and safety conscious. As a result, it has a sensor on the front passenger seat to determine if a small child is sitting there. If the weight in the passenger seat is between a certain number of pounds, the car (wonderful Versa!) decides that a young child must be sitting there and (as a result) the air bag turns off.

The scale does not activate for weights below 20-something pounds, or over 60 pounds.

I don't have children. As a result, the little light to notify me about the disabled airbag never comes on.

Until yesterday.

I look around. No children in my car. Actually, no passenger whatsoever. I'm confused. Why is the passenger airbag off? The seat is empty except for my purse.

My purse....


Yes, so apparently I'm carrying around a bag that weighs as much as a small child.

This could help explain the recent tension I've been feeling in my neck and shoulders...

Note to Self: Don't believe ABC Family movie previews

I am very well aware of the fact that I am corny. I'm a hopeless romantic, and my very obliging boyfriend has only served to destroy what little cold, hard, career woman exterior I had ever managed to assume.

I'm a sap.

Now that that's out on the open, I would like to confess something. There have been previews on ABC Family of a movie (alluringly entitled "Princess") which was set to air last night at 8 p.m. I cleared my calendar and turned down social engagements. (Actually, everyone else was busy and I needed something to justify my existence that evening...) . I was excited. Girly, princess movie (complete with tiaras and huge skirts of taffeta) here I come!

It was so lame.

I know most of you are shaking your heads, giving me a very harsh, "duh!" expression. But I was looking forward to a Princess, a dragon, a handsome rescuer, and a happily ever after. (Granted, there was a happily ever after, but nothing traumatic really happened before they reached that point...)

All I have to say is that the previews were very misleading.

Next ABC family movie I won't block out the entire evening.

I'll have a back-up plan, just in case it's cheesy...

Neurosis #12

I do not, as a general rule, have a problem with nature. I love hiking. An occasional bonfire makes me quite happy. In the summer I enjoy the smells of new-mown grass and lemonade. The pleasures of winter are just as a great with clean snow and the crackle of ice. I even like wildlife. I smile at deer, raccoons, and water bugs. I find them endearing.

But I hate birds.

I'm pinning my horrible paranoia on my dear grandmother. She liked to raise chickens, geese- and one very tempermental rooster. At age three, a rooster can be a terrifying creature, and an angry rooster even more so. Although nothing traumatic ever occured between me and said rooster, I decided to be a wise three-year old and learn from the chicken's mistakes. I never approached that volatile rooster, and to this day I'm scared of all things feathered.

Unfortunately, the feathered creatures seem oblivious to my antipathy for them. Several days ago I noticed a pile of debris collecting in the corner of my front porch. With words muttered under my breath about my raucous male neighbors and their dirty habits, I brushed the straw off the porch. A couple days after that the debris was back, and I, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, looked up to my door mantle, dreading the inevitable. Yes, birds were mid-construction on a very substantial nest. I started shaking. I jump whenever birds fly over me, I wince when one walks within a 20 foot radius. I could not- I WOULD not- walk underneath a bird's home every morning as I left for work. Nor could I do a half dodge, half tuck 'n' roll inside every night, each moment fearing that a bird would fly into my house or my hair. There was only one thing to do...

I knocked the foundation of the nest to the ground. I swept every piece of gathered building material to the wind. I did so with a vehemence that is typically reserved only for those whose pictures I walk by in the post office, but this was serious! Every day since then, I sweep. And every day since I started sweeping, they re-gather their straw and nest-making supplies. I will keep sweeping. Soon, if they don't take the hint, I will have to start confiscating their straw and hay, so that they will never find it.

I'm really not a mean person, promise! Why couldn't a little, homeless puppy decide to make my doorway his home? I would love a puppy...

Excuse me, I have to go sweep my porch.

Because I don't have the attention to write an actual blog entry....

I like orange soda. This is the first orange flavored item I have ever liked. (Barring actual oranges of course...)

Wet dogs smell funny and shouldn't sit on your pastor's arm chair. (Even if it is your pastor's dog...)

The Lysol with Febreeze is my new favorite cleaning supply.

I beat Markus for the first time on any board game this weekend. I didn't win the game. I just beat Markus. It was enough for me. :)

I think (if it wasn't rank cruelty) I would call one of my future sons "Edgar."

Without coffee I'm literally (no joke!) falling asleep while standing. This would be known as an addiction.

I want to paint a room plum and orange. Probably people would be blinded as soon as they entered, but I think it sounds fun... and completely impractical.

I can't beat 5th grade second language learners at Scattegories. However, I can beat the 2nd graders. Good to know.

Buying gas is my least favorite thing to do.

I need to write a full-blown, coherent journal-approximated blog entry some time in the near future. Not sure why I have been so completely unable to formulate coherent thoughts and witty ideas. Perhaps it's because I have been busy doing other things. (Like finally seeing family and boyfriend! Yay!)

PROMISE U!!!

It was wonderful working with these (and other!) kids. Jana became one of my bestest buds and Marney one of my godly mentors. Sign me up for next year! (More pics in just a bit...)

Question

Is the lady at the Chinese take-out allowed to *69 you (thereby calling you back) when you cancel your order?

In the local news...

The neighbors underneath me have started a rock band.

Because I often feel grossly inadequate...

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

II Corinthians 9:8

Note to self: Work on Phone Skills

So, this was the weekend of phone faux pas. Let it be stated (before the following is read) that I am a horrible phone conversationalist. I don't like talking on the phone. I'm not good at it. I'm getting better (I used to pace psychotically and stammer), but I'm still not entirely comfortable with the phone.

Friday I worked with Drew. As soon as I dropped him off I picked up the phone to call Markus. (We had been playing phone tag all day.) Once again, I get his voice mail. Halfway through the message I get to a blind intersection. It always freaks me out, so I put myself on autopilot in my voice message so I could pull out safely. Unfortunately, autopilot me chooses to say, "Okay, honey, I love you bunches!" The real me suddenly hears autopilot me. Real me is shocked.

"Whoa chicken! I don't love you! I mean... of course I LIKE you. I like you a lot. I thought I was talking to my dad. I mean, I don't think you're my dad, but you know. Um, I'm driving. Actually, I probably shouldn't be talking and driving. I think I'll say goodbye now. Bye." **click**

Markus listened to it 4 times and called me laughing uncontrollably. He saved it. Many people have since heard it. This is why I never sing the "Humble me" songs in church. I'm afraid God will actually listen and do it.

The Littlest Blakeling

One year ago, today, my little sister, Julie Ann Blake, was officially (according to the Chinese powers that be) inducted into the Blake family. She refused to eat food, she was not even on the Chinese growth chart (and the Chinese are small!). She was terrified of toys, didn't know how to hug, and was a persistent head-banger. She couldn't walk or crawl and consistently engaged in autistic-like behavior.

Now, one year later she is, (to quote my mother) "most definitely a Blake." She loves to perform, she'll imitate walks, voices, conversations, and actions. She eats more than my teenage brother on pizza night, and is growing a nice little "Buddha belly." She says, "Wassup!" (with hand gestures), she jumps, squeals, and laughs. Her favorite items are pieces of costumes jewelry donated by various older women and some pink paisley sunglasses that she loves to slide down her nose and gaze over in disdain at whoever happens to be in her vicinity. She'll stand in front of the mirror and make herself laugh for as long as we let her. She has a "Mama," "Da," a "Cookie" and an "AlBoo," a "Ver" and an "Ka" who love her so very, very much. She's our joy, our delight, and our Friday night entertainment- our little Bops, Juju Bean, Boperoni, JuAnn, Jules.

She's my little sis.

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY AS A BLAKE, LIL' BOPS!

God knew you'd be perfect for our family...

For the tougher day...

My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore.

(Psalm 131)

The Word of God is refreshing...

When my love of real estate and excess Spring Break time meet...

I think it would be fun to live here. I believe it was found under the Google search "Crazy Houses." Just think all the weird, wacky ways you could decorate- although my mother might need to take dramamine before coming over. It makes me dizzy just looking at it.

Okay, this little beauty came up under the search "condos in France." I think it should be noted that the lakeside view makes the $700,000 sticker price (of a one bedroom section of this beauty) quite reasonable.

Okay, so this one isn't the most convenient... I'd have to relocate to Ukraine, but I think I could manage... I'm telling you, lots of nobility in Europe must be moving. Just type in "Castles for Sale" and you'll see a zillion options. Although, if they have the address "West Virginia," I'm less inclined to believe they're actual castles...

My (almost!) Run-In with The Law

I'm terrified of police officers. Most authorities in my life I can develop a relationship with. I respect and fear them, but I also understand and (in many cases) love them. This sort of affinity cannot be developed for the police. As a result there is total authority and fear. No love. And I get freaked out.

For instance: Thursday (yesterday) I had an almost run-in with the law. Wednesday I had been cleaning (and consequently yowling at the top of my lungs to whatever happened to be in my CD player). I opened the door to take out some trash. Halfway out the door I realized that my music could probably be heard (due to the paper-thin nature of my apartment walls) for a three-block radius. Horrified, I dropped my trashbags, whirled around inside, and turned my music WAAAAY down. But coming back from the dumpster I saw a woman peeking her head around the door,

"Yes, yes, well, it's coming from apartment number -----." (No, I'm not putting my apartment number on the web....)

I started shaking. I was pretty sure she was talking to the police (or the landlords) regarding my illegal noise level. Every step on my porch startled me (I share it with my neighbors...). Every car that drove by I'd rush to the window to see the police officer who was coming to haul me off to the clinker.

Thursday I pulled into my apartment complex and there, parked right outside my apartment, was.... A POLICE CAR. My heart palpitating, I slowly climbed the steps to my apartment. I opened the door, calling, "Hello? Anyone here?" (I mean, they're the police, surely they have keys to every building in town.) For the next hour I waited in trembling anxiety- very sure that the officer would soon pound on my door.

I am a total idiot. Mr. Policeman must have had friends in the complex. He left wthout any door-banging or clincker-hauling, and I started breathing again. (Then I slapped myself upside the head for rampant, unfounded paranoia.)

This would be why I'm dating a guy who is almost antagonistic in his reaction to police enforcement. Markus was pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. (In his defense, trains don't even use that track any more...) But at the next stop sign (with the police officer still behind him), my dear boyfriend stopped. And stayed stopped. For many, many seconds.

Case-and-point: opposites attract.

And the police still haven't shown up to rebuke my overly enthusiastic Christian Contemporary music.

Lee Morrison once said a very profound, life-impacting thing to me. I have never forgotten it.

"Courtney," he said, "People who wear sweatpants in public have officially given up on life."

I was humbled. I was rebuked. I was at a movie night with Leah clad in my men's XL Purdue sweats. I was comfy. But I was chastened.

Others have been similarly confronted: Leah, Bev, Sarah... the list goes on.

Well, to those humbled, rebuked, and chastened in their comfort- I think you should know:

Lee wore sweats. In public. On stage. Last night.

Apparently he's given up on life. Just thought you should know...

My Supervisor: What culture do we celebrate on St. Patrick's Day?
Christian: The culture of the leprechaun!
Jasmine: The culture of pointy-eared people!
Melissa: Umm... I don't know, but they must like green.

From my students...

"Luis, what's all that goop in your hair?"

"Aww! Miss Blake! It's not goop! It's fancy stuff." (Luis, age 8)
******

"Miss Blake, your babies will be very, VERY white." (Yarla, age 9)

******

"Jaelyn and I are pretty much tied, Ms. Blake, 'cause she's getting a new brother and I'm getting two dogs." (Lauren, age 8)

******

"I don't speak SPANISH. I speak MEXICAN." (Christian, age 6)

******

After reading about Albert Einstein: "I don't care HOW smart he was. He married his COUSIN. Ew." (Amanda, age 10)

YAY!

I just officially submitted my acceptance to Purdue University's offer of study in the Graduate Department of Speech, Language, and Hearing Sciences.

However, prayers would be appreciated as I try to decide what to do monetarily and how Indiana University and Vanderbilt's offers figure into this whole equation.

GOD IS GOOD!

To whom it may concern on the TSC school board:

Dear Sirs,

I feel compelled to voice my concern over your education and fine arts policy at Klondike Elementary. It has come to my attention that your students only attend and/or participate in plays, convocations, and other various guest performances and events on a bi-weekly basis. The other three days a week are completely devoid of such musical gems as "Stone Soup" and "The ABC's with Dr. Seuss." Now, I have been told that of those remaining three days two of them are used for field trips to dairy farms and dentist offices, but what about that one vacant day each week? What is being done with that day? Are these students actually sitting in a classroom learning, reading, and memorizing meaningless information (such as the differences between a pronoun and preposition, and how many presidents there have been in the U.S. of A.)? I must tell you I am deeply concerned, and I suggest remedial action be taken ASAP. This day can not long remain productive. To leave it as such would be a travesty.

Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,

C. E. Blake

And for our last dish... Humble Pie!

So I messed up.

It happens a lot. I let one little thing (or sometimes a conglomeration of little things) become larger and larger in my mind. And then I go into camouflage mode. For some reason I think this is a good thing... (still not sure how I arrived at this brilliant deduction), but I labor (erroneously) under the delusion that I should cover up or not address the issue. I think that by doing so I'm maintaining control and not harming anyone around me- not blowing things out of proportion unnecessarily. However, sooner or later those little things add up to straws that break the camel's back, and I'm done. Finished. I completely lose it.

Sometimes I go off the deep end and buy throw pillows ( I love buying pillows). Other times I write volatile, fiery blog and journal entries. Or I'll curl up on the couch and escape through a chick-flick, and there are some days when I'll pull out my bread pans and begin punching some dough.

And sometimes I hurt someone else.

Then I have to lay it all out there. All my horrible, entangling (wrong!) thought patterns. All the convoluted pathways that led me to my emotional outburst. All the sin that I've indulged in (sometimes consciously, sometimes not).

And what hurts the most is not the huge slice of humility that I am forced to imbibe, but rather the knowledge that my lack of self-control has caused pain for those around me. It's after those episodes that I'm grateful for verses such as Ephesians 1:7.

In HIM we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace.

NOTE TO SELF: Vote the WalMart store manager to city council...

Since the WalMart parking lots were plowed before the roads.

Ouch.

Epiphany of the Week

No one gets "picked up" at the gym...

For there is a future joy...

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son...."

Amen.

Rev. 21:1-7

Edible Ministry

This would be my father's to-scale, edible rendition of Vision of Hope. (I helped, but I was hardly the mastermind...) If you look closely you can see Trey walking through the garden to the left... Since he was judging the dessert competition my father and I thought this would sweeten the deal- putting him in the dessert.

But we didn't win...

:(

Note to self: There are bigger fish to fry (or stress over)

Grad school. Work. Paperwork. Kids. Classes. Lesson plans. Bills. Broken blind. Another pimple on my chin. Dusting to do. Cold feet. Full inbox. Oil change.

or...


Every day 4,000 babies are aborted by their mothers.
Over 1.5 million persons have died of starvation this year.
30,000 children die each day due to poverty.


Seriously, there are bigger issues to worry about. Grow up, Blake.

A little girl I was tutoring yesterday mentioned the new book she was reading. I was thrilled that she was reading (she has literacy problems) and decided to ask for more info. Apparently there's a new American Girl doll, "Julie" and her pal "Ivy" on the market and in the library. (For those illiterate in the wonder that is the "American Girl doll" it's a collection of dolls which take portions of American history and make them cute by dressing them in crisp colonial dresses and giving them little Victorian tea sets and writing fictional books to accompany them. They're amazingly trite. And so much fun. Definitely made for girls...) I asked what era this doll is from.

"Well, she's from the '80s, but she's still cute."



Ouch.

My Diagnosis

I think I'm bipolar.

Some mornings I LOVE eggs. Others- can't stand them.

I want to be a teacher. Then I decide I never want to see another child ever again.

I want to go to grad school here at Purdue. Then I don't.

I want to be a punk rocker one morning, and a preppy professor the next.

I like dark nail polish. And then I don't.

I can go from incredibly insanely happy in the morning to "Don't even try to make me smile or I will hurt you" in the evening.

Some days I like gummy worms. Other days- not so much. (Same thing with mushrooms and orange flavored candy...)

I want to go to school forever on Monday, but on Tuesday my goal is to drop out and be a bum.

And it's not like these are mild fluctuations. I'm a very opinionated individual. I go from one extreme to another. Middle ground is not my forte.

Apologies to all those who have to live with my constantly fluctuating, completely irrational, and (probably!) sleep-based neuroses. You (parents, siblings, roommate, boyfriend, friends, casual acquaintances, and the Target bag boy) are very gracious.

I appreciate it. (Or I expect it, depending on the location of my bi-polar pendulum.)

**sigh**

It's Thursday. I'm supposed to be at work. But I'm not.

Last night I got a letter from Purdue University stating that I was not going to be considered for their graduate program due to an incomplete application.

I have spent my entire morning trying to figure out what was incomplete and to reinstate my application.

Apparently my GRE scores (though taken and sent) are lost in the vast Purdue data base through a combined error of the testing service and Purdue.

The Graduate Speech Pathology committee is deliberating as to whether this constitutes "extenuating circumstances" and whether or not to admit my application back into the pool of hopefuls. I'm praying that this would be the case, seeing as this omisson was in no way my fault.

Prayers would be appreciated...


I have been deprived of peace...Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness... it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
(Lamentations 3)

You conquerors of domains, you leaders of the free world, you investors of millions- you have nothing on me today. You can't hold a candle to my Tuesday. Despite your feeble attempts at greatness, you could not approximate the extreme triumph that I tasted. Try as you might, you cannot trump what I did. Your weak efforts cannot compare.

I made bread.

And it was edible.

Garage Door Dance

Today, as I was backing out of the garage, I realized that I did not have a garage door closer and would, as a result, have to jump out of my car, run back in the garage, close the garage door, and then exit from the "manual" garage door. I jump out. I run to the garage door button. I push it, and it starts to go down. I head to the manual door. Half way there I realize I could just run out of the closing garage door. I turn, but it's too far down. I turn back to the garage door button to make it go up, so that I can exit by my new plan. Halfway there, I remember that I can still exit through the manual door. I turn back around. Almost to the manual door I remember the last time it slammed down on my toes, and I turn back to push the electric door button again, so that my toes don't get squashed. Then I remember that my car is right outside, still running with gas at a whopping $3.09 per gallon. I turn back to the manual door and exit via my first strategy.

The electric door slams shut.

My thought pattern was quite clear to me... but to the casual observer it probably looked like I was doing some voodoo dance as I ran around in three circles, very quickly, inside the garage as the door descended.

I should probably think more (or less) before my feet start moving...

**EPILOGUE**
My feet did not get squashed in the manual door. Next time I plan on using the "exit closing door" strategy.

Note to self: In a panic situation- never rely on the roomie.

My roommate has the worst panic reflexes.

When she lost control of her car, she dove out of it. That's right. Threw open the door and bailed.

When our neighbors started fighting (rather loudly) one night, she flew across the hall and dove onto my floor, "Get down! Get down! I think she's going to shoot him!" (This was particularly amusing since I couldn't even hear the fight...)

Tonight, when our neighbor went out on the deck and peered in our window, and I calmly noted, "Oh! There is a man looking in our window." She quickly assumed the crouched fetal position on our kitchen floor (still in plain view of every window) and whispered in a strained voice, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Where is he?" It took a while to convince her that it was okay to stand up.



My roomie is so adorable.

Mitt Romney's no longer running for president! And in the local news...

Today I had to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on my door. Yes. I did.

Let it be noted that the roomie and I have door problems. I noticed it in July when it became necessary to body slam the door in order to lock it. (This action is now second nature.) But the problem became more evident in November, when locking the door started to take two hands to pull, hoist, and tug the door to the appropriate angle and a third hand to turn the lock. (Seeing as I only have two hands, this produced some interesting gyrations for my neighborhood audience.) But the bitter cold of January showed the true stubbornness of this door. Today I couldn't even get the door unlocked. The key would not even insert into the key hole. It was due to the cold. I myself was cold. (And possessing rather fragile patience after saying, "Sound it out. Sit still. No... what sound does "b" make again?" countless times...) I was a brave woman. A resourceful woman. And a desperately in need of food woman, so I leaned over, and breathed warm air all over that lock. It worked. I'm lucky it wasn't colder or the roomie would have arrived to find me with my tongue attached to the door knob...

I bought throw pillows tonight. They're gorgeous and stuffed with down. They make me feel rich.

I also bought my FIRST EVER pair of frivolous shoes. Despite what I say about loving shoes and spending obscene amounts of money on them- I don't. I had one pair of black heels (which I had owned since my junior year of highschool- 6 years.) until Leah's wedding in October, when I bought some others because I was afraid the heels would snap from over-use mid-ceremony. I have one pair of black flats, one pair of brown flats, and one pair of brown heels. All cute-ish. But all practical. Today I bought impractical shoes. Suffice to say they are patterned, peep-toed, and have dark red trim. I will wear them on Sunday. MY FIRST PAIR OF FRIVOLOUS SHOES!!! Gosh, they're cute...

I taught Drew how to preach today.

I usurped the control of 18 3rd graders from a clue-less student teacher. The kids were running wild. I took over for self-preservation. And I was obsequious and deferential to the teacher the rest of the hour. But she probably hates me. I'd hate me if I came in and did that to me...

I cleaned. It smells like eco-friendly apple cleaner.

I loved today.

Okay. Markus and I played "Twenty Questions." I think he loves this game because he's good at it. (The day he beat the little electronic version they sell at Walmart was a red-letter day.) I'm horrible. (I couldn't even beat my sister when she was five.) But this time I "beat" him... well, kind of. You decide:

In 22 guesses my final guess was "Post-It." The word Markus was thinking of was "index card."

In 27 guesses, Markus's final guess was "figurine." The word I had chosen was "inbox."

You decide who came closer to "winning." Keep in mind total number of guesses and proximity of the final guess to the actual word. This is important. Not only are bragging rights attached to claiming this victory, but the loser is also subject to random acts of service based on the winner's whims.

I bought some half-and-half, but there was a mistake. Someone must have put skim milk in the bottle labelled "half-and-half."

I just dumped it into my coffee.

Seriously. This is NOT creamy. Or thick. But still fattening.

Boo. Not okay.

I learned this week that I'm horrible at communicating.

I've learned that it's okay to have a "boring" morning routine.

I've learned that days with focused Bible study are better than those whose study is haphazard.

I've learned that chili (though good) every lunch and every dinner (for an entire week!) can be a little much.

I learned that Yankee Candles "Buttercream Icing" is like an olfactory sedative.

I've learned that I am completely and totally unable to formulate coherent thoughts and phrases when problem solving.

I've learned that kicking your shoes off vehemently is not good. Especially when they get lost in a pile of clothes.

I've learned that if you're wearing anything pink (even if you look ghastly) a kindergarten girl will think you're beautiful.

I've learned that flowers from the right person are wonderful.

I've learned to redefine what a "good week" is.

I've learned that learning isn't always color-coded notes and textbooks.


This is good.


But I think next week I could do with a little less learning...

Epiphany of the Week

There is a huge difference between being a good conversationalist and being a good communicator.

The roomie and I are going dog shopping.

"Edgar" (on the left) is mine. "Sumatra" is the roomie's.

We figure it will make us cooler.

Sometimes it would be nicer if God just put it on a billboard...

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. (Philippians 1:9,10)

*************************************

I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there,
'Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don't want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don't want to go.
(Avalon, I don't Want To Go)

My roomie has college-level sarcasm.

no.
no.
no.
no.
no.
no.
no.
no.
no.



NO.

Just felt the urge to (calmly and emphatically) say that...

I sense that I'm becoming boring.


I packed a balanced lunch today and laid out my clothes last night. I didn't buy the red shoes because they're not practical. I'm eating vegetables every day because they're "good for me." I go to bed at a decent hour. I don't speed. I make my own coffee instead of buying Starbucks. I remember to charge my phone, change my car oil, and empty the dishwasher. I don't go places on school nights. I haven't followed any crazy urges. This is probably because I have no crazy urges...


Yes. It's official.


I'm boring.

Today Markus came and played carpet ball with "Bear" and I.

Drew and I prepped extensively for this visit. We talked about how we really, really wanted to meet "Markus Bear." (I even suggested that we call him "Markus"- sans "bear"- but Drew would have none of it.) We talked about how I really liked "Markus Bear" and how, as a result, Drew should like "Markus Bear." And then we established that Drew was the first, the only, and the favorite "bear" in my book. Finally, we were ready to meet Markus.

Drew was so excited the whole entire time that he jumped up and down and rocked back and forth and could hardly talk. He didn't growl at all. Not even when Markus beat him three times out of four. After Markus left he was still rocking and laughing.

"Did you hear Markus Bear, Courts? Did you hear him? He has a nice, growly bear voice." (I had talked about this as a positive aspect prior to their meeting.) We talked about how nice it was to play carpet ball with a "man" instead of a wimpy girl (me). And in conclusion Drew sighed,

"It was so nice to meet Markus Bear... You know, I dream about him every night- it's one of the nicest thing ever to dream about..."

I doubled over in silent laughter.
But I had to agree.

:)

Psalm of the Week

Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.

I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I have set the Lord always before me.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

(Ps. 16)

My Co-Workers

The laminating lady. Psycho throw-yourself-in-front-of-my-car lady. I-watch-Ellen-on-my-lunch-break lady... such titles are liberally distributed across Klondike Elementary by a humble literacy tutor. (Yours truly.) The reason for such titles are the persons complete inability to either wear their name badges, or to get close enough for me to read them. (Psycho throw-yourself-in-front-of-my-car lady was wearing a coat so of course hers was unreadable...)

Laminating lady shows up on Tuesdays and Thursdays. No one else can laminate. It's her domain. Anything and everything- she will laminate. I'm afraid to leave my wallet or bag in there while she is enthroned for the simple fear of finding my driver's license laminated. While I may be able to laminate my own driver's license with impunity (I love laminating!) she is not allowed to touch it. So every Tuesday and Thursday, when she enters, fluffs her heavily starched, gray hair, and ties on her tool belt (yes, she wears a tool belt), I furtively gather all my materials and sneak out before she can accost me with, "Excuse me, but your life seems to be inadequately laminated."

But laminating lady is fairly harmless. Psycho throw-yourself-in-front-of-my-car lady made me mad. (Probably because of wounded self-dignity, but that's beside the point...) I left my last class 15 minutes late. Never, ever do this. That's what I've been told. However, a 5th grader with the work ethic of Edison (He's the one who said "10% inspiration, 90% perspiration" and pulled all-nighters like no body's business) asked for additional help with vocabulary. I'm a sucker for vocab and I have the standard teacher weakness for a "fertile mind." (Don't ask me why children's brains are compared to fertilizers. I have no idea...) So I stayed to help her. When I left I saw the buses lining up outside the school. I started to sprint.

It's a commonly known fact at Klondike Elementary that if you don't make it to your car before the buses cue-up you will be stuck at the school for an additional 30 (unpaid) minutes. I jumped into my car, backed out, headed for the entrance---

And was cut off by a bus. Now, this bus has a place to park. A nice, wide space. But it doesn't want to park there. It wants to park right in front of the entrance. I can't leave. What's more, I'm stranded in the middle of the parking lot, in danger of being crushed by buses. I do the only smart thing to do. The nearest children are 20 feet away. I check all mirrors. I ease off the break. I look around. I look at the buses near me- no, none are being boarded. There is no danger of me running over any children. (There is a danger of me being run over by a bus.) I need to get back in my parking space so I'm not obliterated by a bus. I start to move. I'm going so, painfully slowly that my speedometer is not even registering movement.(Once again, it's a school. I'm being careful.) Suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge, puffy coated, red-nosed teacher hurls herself in front of my barely moving car. She yells,

"YOU DO NOT DRIVE. NO DRIVING!!!" I am shocked. She scared me so badly she's lucky I didn't floor it. "STOP DRIVING NOW! DON'T MOVE!" She gets ready to bang her hands on my car hood for emphasis. (Oh, no she doesn't!)

"I'M GOING TO MY SPOT!" I yell, indicating a vacant parking spot about a car length away.

"NO. NO. NO. NO DRIVING!!!"

"YES. YES. YES. I'M MOVING!!!" I was so mad.

"NOOO YOUUUU'RE NOT!!!" It was at that point she made a tactical error. She moved out of the path of my car to bring another teacher (who doubtless heard her dramatic outburst) over to curtail me. (By this time there are no children around anywhere and the buses are revving their engines to leave.) I pull forward (perhaps the length of 1 1/2 cars) and park.

Yes.

I parked.

There were no children around. And I was petrified sitting behind those buses. My car's no bigger than a bug. I was in danger of being squashed. Livid psycho throw-herself-in-front-of-my-car lady stood behind me with her hands on her hips. Livid trying-not-to-be-squashed-extremely-careful Courtney sat in her car for 30 minutes waiting for the buses (and psycho throw-herself-in-front-of-my-car lady) to leave. While sitting there, I came to this conclusion:


She ran in front of my car faster than my car was going.

She could have seriously hurt a child.

My roommate made chicken parmesan for dinner because she's amazing.



I had toast.

So there, Duke Energy!

It is so incredibly cold in my apartment that I have resorted to drastic measures. I'm wearing one of those back-woodsman thermal shirts. My roomie from sophomore year introduced me to them- thank you, Molls! A hat garnered from the boyfriend for the simple reason that I hate hats and he likes them (and thinks I should wear them), and I'm currently nursing a mug of hot water. Not because I'm going to drink the hot water, but because nothing else will keep my hands warm. (I tried gloves, but when you're cleaning the kitchen floor, it's not advisable to wear wool...)

Why, you may ask, has a working woman resorted to such oddities (in addition to heating up her bed each night with a hair dryer)? Well, first off, I've only worked like 3 days so far, so my bank account is still at "college student" meager and doesn't really want a huge electric bill, and secondly Duke Electric charged me $200 to come out, look at my meter, and tell me "Yes, your lights are working." I already knew they were. So was the airconditioning. But they called it a "set-up fee." They lied. There was nothing to set up. And I (young innocent that I was) became very jaded.

Ever since that fateful day I have looked for ways to get my $200 back. Layering socks and drinking hot beverages all day every day. Watching TV under piles of blankets. Opening the oven after I'm done baking the casserole to let surplus heat roll out after I turn it off. (Same strategy with the dryer.) I'm freezing, but gosh darn it, my electric bill has never been cheaper.

And who wants to spend money on heat? I'd rather buy those stunning, red peep-toed shoes. Granted, they don't really help the cold feet problem...

Maybe if I wore them with wool socks...

All I have to say is that if I don't get into grad school at Purdue, American Airlines had better get ready to dole out some significant frequent flier miles.

Calculating monthly trips back to Hoosier-ville, along with the less important odds and ends such as tuition and housing, I've decided that if I graduate with $250,000 of debt I will have been incredibly economical.

What else is a girl to do when the triple incentive of cute lil' sister, wonderful church family, and (charming) boyfriend?

Outside the mosque

There's probably another name for it. I'm pretty sure that if I actually called it as a "mosque" to a Muslim acquaintance, they would look at me in askance. However, since my freshman year, when I unsuspectingly walked by during "prayers" at the Muslim campus building (and was stared at by a large group of heavily bearded and robed, somber men who doubtless disaproved of my skimpy jeans and sweatshirt enemble), I've referred to it as "the mosque." Some of my friends don't even believe it exists. But it does.

And today I parked outside it. (Parallel parked- quite adroitly, I might add.)

After slipping neatly into my selected, all-day, no parking-permit-required, kill-your-mother-to-get-it spot, I did the awkward half-crawl into my back seat to transfer everything from my black bag to my brown bag and pick up my three different kinds of lip gloss from where they had fallen during my too impetuous turn into McDonalds (where they sell awful coffee.). If you are female you will understand this move, and you will also understand my endless search for a bag that you can carry with either black or brown shoes. However, that's for another post.

Mid-crouch and with bags but half transferred, I hear a, "Hmhm." You've heard it. It's the polite throat-clearing hum which says, "I'm-standing-right-behind-you-and-you-need-to-turn-around-and-talk-to-me." (Amazing what can be conveyed in a "hm" and throat clearing...)

In obedience to the "hmhm" I straightened up, bashed my head on my car door, and turned around. And almost wet my pants. There was a man standing right next to me. A big man. With a big, thick, frizzy beard, dark beatling eyebrows, and a Carhartt.

If he hadn't been wearing the Carhartt I might have run for the hills, he was so scary and intense. But the Carhartt "Hoosier-ized" him, and I've seen my fair share of intense men in Carhartts (once again, another post for another day...).

"Excuse me... Excuse me." (I must have looked very shook-up. He repeated it twice.) "Your car? You... you cannot park here." And he crossed my patience threshold. With that statement it probably wouldn't have mattered if he had been Sadam Hussein, or the President of the United States- I probably would have gone postal on him. You do NOT, I repeat do NOT tell me that I cannot park somewhere after countless, frustrated minutes of circling Purdue's campus, "Christian cursing" under my breath at the famous astronaut who got a building- another building- for the engineers (who clearly already own half the campus) and neglected the incredible (and unarguable) need for a parking garage. He must have seen the wrath of Courtney rising in my eyes, because he quickly added-

"You park here. You can park. Yes. You park. I just warn you- it's prayer time. Prayer time soon, and you not be able to get out. 1:20-3:30. We pray. The street will be full. And you be packed in. Not able to move."

My jaw unclenched. My brow unfurled. The corners of my mouth even raised to a polite smile as I thanked him for letting me know.

So... there is TOO a mosque at Purdue.

And if you park in front of it before 1:20, don't expect to leave before 3:30.

Just so you know...

Coffee
(early!) phone call
smile
clean laundry
cardigan
Target
girl's night
campus meeting
crazy hair
Belgian White Chocolate Macademia Nut creamer




Excellent Friday.

Drew Viars

First of all, Mr. Viars would be quite disgruntled if he saw the title of the post. With a very burly, growly voice he would demand, "My name is 'BEAR'! Call me 'Bear,' Courtenaem." And I would, in a soothing voice tell him that I always call him "Bear" but other people may not understand since "Andrew" is on his birth certificate. At which point he will mutter something like, "Stupid birth certificate..."

Andrew Steven Viars happens to be one of my favorite persons on God's green earth. (A fact he constantly checks by asking, "Do you love me, Courtenaem?" More recently he's even started checking that I like him MORE than other people... He's not too fond of Markus or the new lil' sis Julie.) Why "Bear" is one of my favorites will hopefully become obvious in this post.

We were playing in the Walmart toy section one day (yes, we do this frequently- rotating between Walmart, Meijer, and "Tarjay"), when I told him, very firmly that he was not allowed to take home the stuffed bear he was holding so tightly. He looked at me and said, "Hmf! You can't say that- It's a Bear's perogative."

Driving in the car on an incredibly steamy day, I began to bemoan my curly frizz developing all over my head. Drew cut me off- "Court! God made you with curly hair. Cope and deal."

Whenever we go to the Community Center if Mr. Joe Keck is there, Drew usually winds up with a Fuji apple. Apples are "Bear's favorite," and Joe always remembers. One day before lunch (which contained one of the aforementioned apples) I told Drew that he needed to pray and thank God for making his favorite food- Fuji apples. Drew snorted- "Oh Courtney, God doesn't make Fuji apples. Joe Keck does."

He made up his own country, "Hmnavia." In Hmnavia all the people wear red bathrobes all the time, live in cabanas on the beach (the entire country is beach), and eat only fish and fresh strawberries. He even made up his own language (Hmnavian) for this country. On very bad days we talk about running off to Hmnavia and never coming back.

He calls me, "hot one," and beats me at carpet ball. He'll sing, "You Are My Sunshine" with words just for me. He calls me "Courtenaem" (for no obvious reason), and he uses Spanish and German adjectives to describe things he likes. Whenever he works out on the treadmill he asks me, "Can you see my muscles growing?" He calls Julie a "hot tomale" and loves to make cookies. He doesn't like macaroni and cheese. When told to smile in a photo he tries... he really does...

I love him lots and lots.

He's my DrewBear.

ANXIOUS: anx•ious, (āngk'shəs, āng'shəs), adj., characterized by extreme uneasiness of mind or brooding fear about some contingency

That was me last night. (And a little this morning.) But it was definitely more noticeable last night. It was after midnight. I was exhausted. Yet I was lying in bed, eyes peeled open, listening to my heart beat a rapid, unsteady rhythm. I love to sleep. If I can't sleep there's got to be something going on. And last night that thing going on was a sleep-depriving combination of worry, anxiety, and fear.

And as I lay there, almost in tears, praying that God would make this feeling go away. Praying that I would be stronger. Praying that some how, some way, this would be taken out of my life. Praying... I remembered this:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

And I began to breathe more regularly. The fear was still there, but it was no longer controlling. There was a reason for my weakness: to proclaim God's glory. To show the world that I was peace-filled not because of my own security and my own comfort (how would that bring glory to God?), but rather that my peace comes from the Prince of Peace, my wonderful Counselor. This peace is not context dependent. This peace is to show the world my Savior.

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me... For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I am now Christmas tree-less.

Since there is no longer a tree at 2605, (and I lack the funds, time, and decorations to furnish one) we shall decorate the blog. Just sniff a candle or pine car-freshner for the full effect.

The best part of this is that I don't have to vacuum up any needles...

Because I'm avoiding my "Developmental Language Disorders" and a 14-page psychology study guide...

I have almost completed my venture into (and through) my undergrad. I'm trying to decide if I'm nostalgic, but that particularly poignant feeling doesn't seem to have gripped me just yet. I will probably start crying when I hear "Pomp and Circumstance" in Elliot (and I did start crying at the thought of my cap and gown on Monday) but for right now I'm having trouble whipping up any form of nostalgic sentiment.

I attribute this to the remaining (and threateningly looming) exams on Friday night and Saturday morning, (who schedules an exam from 7-9 on a Friday night!?!?) and to the fact that I have at least 2 1/2 to 6 more years of college ahead of me. I informed my father just the other day that I was going to see if I could stay in college the same amount of time I stayed in school before college. That would mean that I have nine more years of school to go... I think he almost had a heart attack. And upon adding up my current age and where the additional years of school would leave me, I've decided to finish my graduate work before I need to apply for social security. Very ambitious. I know.

I always wonder if I've really learned anything in college. Granted, I just answered a vestibularcochlear nerve question for some girls next to me, and I now know for sure what diadokinesis is, but I've taken 126 hours of classes. Can I remember even half of that? Probably not, but here are several pearls gleaned from my undergrad...

You can't, and shouldn't, as a single person think that you can make an entire pan of lasagna and enjoy it for a week. You won't enjoy it. By the third meal you will swear never to eat lasagna again. And trust me, it will last much longer than a week.

Parking tickets should be paid on time. 'Nough said.

If I had the money for all those textbooks I bought and didn't read (thank you, "Greek Mythology" and "Pre-1700 Literature") I would have enough money for an entire year's rent AND those incredibly snazzy red heels I've been eyeing.

Pizza and orange chicken eaten in an ATM drive-through is the best.

Extra-credit is an undergrad's God-send, and making nice with a professor is the equivalent to an A+ project.

Learn your alma mater's fight song. Then you can tear-up at every football game and get a gush of pride when you hear it metalically playing from one of those cheap musical pins everyone wears on game day.

Coloring coding your mortar board, desk calendar, and notes will bring you more satisfaction and enjoyment than you can possibly imagine.

Starbucks costs too much. Buy it anyway.

WalMart, no matter how much you may despise it, will prove invaluable at 3 in the morning. (Which, incidentally is when all the octagenarians go shopping too...)

Never become too snobby to eat a McDonald's double-cheeseburger. It's most definitely brain food. (Also priceless at 3 a.m., but there are none of those dear senior citizens there like at Walmart... just drunk guys whose livers won't survive for them to be senior citizens...)

Do everything.

You will regret it if your life isn't packed full of living.

(I am so profound...)

"I'm so glad you're not just dating me for my character!"

(upon hearing that my boyfriend thinks I'm cute)

Worth a thousand words...

Edward Hopper's artwork is not, as a whole, comprised of paintings that I love. However, there are a scattered few that have a certain biting universality. I like them. They remind me of a clean, simple, yet intense world. Basic human emotions on canvas.

This would be my favorite...

Warmth.
Iridescent bubbles.
Beams of sun.
Melting chocolate.
Snapping fire.
Frost patterns on the window.
The binding crack when opening a book.
Laying back in exhaustion after a belly laugh.
Naps under fluffy blankets.
An inside joke.
Tears cried in a black-and-white movie.
Rain boots in puddles.
Heart-tug when hearing a melody.
Sniffing sugar cookies.
Excited goose-bump shivers.
Watching the horizon turn gold in the morning.

What it's like to be happy...

Oh So Scared...

I am probably the most chicken-hearted person I know. In all likelihood I could sponsor (and win) a reality show entitled "Are You More Paranoid Than Courtney?" I suppose that I should be rather grateful that although I suffer from intense, irrational fear, it is also intense, selective fear ranging in categories from the ridiculous to the more universal.

For instance, I have an unearthly paranoia of saliva. Can't stand it. Creeps me out. I don't drink after people. I don't share utensils, or eat off the same plate. This emerged around age 6 when I calmly told my father that I wasn't going to let him kiss me on the mouth any more. "I'm sorry Dad, but no one's ever going to do that again. Well... at least not until I'm married." And no one has. (Granted, saliva paranoia was only part of that decision...)

But I also have this unearthly fear of losing my family members. I have nightmares about them all dying in car accidents, and when I leave my house after Sunday lunch I have to mentally chant over and over, "God is all-powerful. I don't need to be afraid." because I'm convinced that I will lose someone I love in a car accident.

I also occasionally get this fear that everyone else has been raptured and I've been left behind. I blame those horrible "Left Behind" books for this one. In these moments I usually call everyone I know until I get a hold of someone who convinces me that the rapture did NOT occur. At which point I breathe a sigh of relief and vow to read something more soothing than Revelations the next morning in my quiet time.

But the fear that I struggle with the most is that of not being good enough. It's a self-debasing, egocentric, sneaky pride and self-focus. And it has the most awful habit of sneaking into every area of my life. I'm paranoid that my paper wasn't "above average," that my exam was a "B" (yes. I'm a nerdy loser.) I'm paranoid that I won't get into grad school, that no one will want me to serve at church, and that I'll be the only person in U.S. history to flunk the GRE. But there is an even bigger fear (as compared to those above which only emerge in moments of academic/social pressure).

I'm paranoid that I'm not good enough to be loved.

And that's why, on days like this one, I'm thankful that God, knowing the necessity of this verse, placed it in His Word multiple times:

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

**I Chronicles 16:34, II Chron. 5:13, 7:7:3, Ezra 3:11, Psalm 11:5, 106:1, 107:1, 118:1 and 29, 136:1.**

Baby

The following is an incredibly rough draft. Any comments, suggestions, or editing would be much appreciated. I would have waited until it was "perfect," but I've been waiting for several years now and it's not getting any better- I've hit a wall. Comments would be appreciated.



I happened today.

It’s my first day. I’m me. A very, very little me, but a me, nonetheless.

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Okay, so today I’m technically five weeks old. My mom just found out about me. Yay! Of course, last week I developed a back bone and my brain stem, but that’s kind of old news since today my heart started beating. It was there before, but it never had a regular rhythm. It’s soothing to listen to…Seriously, my arms are going to be huge. I mean, they’re already developing and my mouth and ears are trying to keep up. I think I’m going to be quite good-looking.

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Best day, EVER! I’m going to be blonde! Oh yes I am! I’m so totally psyched. Look! Look! Watch! Did you see that? I’m wiggling! Once again, best day, EVER!

I want so badly to meet my mom. I mean, come on! Who wouldn’t want to meet their mom? She’ll be so impressed with my long arms and legs, just wait until she finds out that I will dominate on the basketball court. Or maybe I’ll play soccer… One thing’s for sure, I’m never joining band. Nope. Not gonna do it.

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Oops. I think I just did something bad… Yeah… Okay, so I was just squirming around and then I did this crazy flip thing. It was so awesome! But I don’t think my mom liked it. Oops... But let’s see… what else is going on… Oh! Yeah, so I have fingernails and eyelashes now. Seriously, it’s a very good thing I’m a guy because no girl would ever want these nails. My eyes are done, almost completely, and guess what? I can move now! I mean, I always moved, but now my nervous system is amazing. The brain- it’s done. Whoo-hoo!!! Can’t wait to see the world!

My mom, my dad. I want to see, taste, smell, hear. Wait till I grow up- it’s going to be amazing. I’m gonna be a blonde basketball player who loves the color red. Yup. Granted, I’ll probably be a little obnoxious. Maybe just a little loud, but I bet my mom loves me. She will! I know it...

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Today my mother killed me.

The above was written based on the biological time-line of normal fetal development up until a partial birth abortion performed at the 26th week of development.