Peace

I am a (fairly) bright, bubbly person. I lack the persistence and memory to brood. At our birthday dinners, Mom makes us each go around and say one thing that we appreciate about the birthday person. I remember one birthday in particular when everyone kept saying, "She's so cheerful!" "She's so sun-shiney!" "You're always so happy!" (I was slightly discouraged that that was the ONLY thing anyone seemed to appreciate, but that's a ridiculous response.)

In short, I'm happy. Almost always. I don't think it's a sign of merit, I just honestly don't have the energy or perspective to get angry or depressed.

Well, that was then.

This is now.

My first semester of graduate school I was a mess. Some blog postings reflect this. (For example: "I hate graduate school! I hate graduate school!") But even that was filtered. You couldn't see me lying on the floor, crying, screaming, hyperventilating in panicked frustration. I was MISERABLE. My circumstances, from that point on, never changed. But my attitude adjusted (thanks to some wise counsel and a loving God), and I was able to regain a certain level of sunny contentment.

Until recently.

My life is not what I planned. And snap baby-o, when I plan, I PLAN. I am about to graduate with a degree I never wanted (Masters of Science), a career I can't decide if I like, and a very vacant ring finger, that I was hoping a diamond would be inhabiting by now. I started college with a five year plan that had me married, in a career I loved, with a man I was willing to give it up for (when babies came).

There are no babies. Not even a pacifier on the horizon.

There is no man. Not even a chance of a man. No one. Nothing. Not even someone to develop an unhealthy crush on.

Instead, there's a six year education, a demanding profession (which I don't like 50% of the time), and a house all to myself.

Just me.

And I haven't been handling it very well. I don't like it when my plans don't pan out. I get upset. I never knew that before. Most of my plans have worked.

God has been gracious as I (for the first time in a while) have done battle with my thoughts, seeking to actively be aware that my God is both sovereign (He KNEW this would happen), and sufficient (I have Him. I don't need everything my plan promised.)

I can trust Him. He will work everything for His glory AND my good. There is never a separation of those two goals. His plans never "fall through."

And God has been good. I've fought more in the arena of my mind than ever before. I understand the term "spiritual warfare." And I now know that it can happen in quiet, unseen places. (Like my thought life.)

And God has given me victory. I believe truth. I'm not bubbly just yet, but I know God is good. And that is sufficient. I'm not giddy, but I know God is trustworthy. I'm not happy, but I'm at peace.

And hence I'm writing again! Perhaps some funny stories will over-flow to my readers soon!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. (II Corinthians 1:3-5)

Today's Song...

ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!

COULD I BE MORE IRRITATED!?!

If I even knew what to rant about, I would... super, super angry, frustrated, annoyed.

I could just swear.

And take up boxing.

And then I would become violently profane.

It's probably a good thing my vocabulary is limited and my physical aggression is confined to yoga and plyometrics.




ARRRRGH!

MY GOD'S ENOUGH!

Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.
They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.
They scoff, and speak with malice;
in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.


(excerpts of Psalm 73)